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by Jayne Email

So, I had a realization this morning when I was lying in bed trying to get up. It was 7:00 am and I was thinking it would be nice to go to the gym and see how much I weigh and how long it would take me to run 5 km. I pictured myself getting up and what I would wear to the gym. Then I pictured what it would be like to step on the scale and see my weight. I thought about walking onto the track and the, optimistically, smooth flow of my feet and breath as I paced around the track. I thought of the struggles to keep running that I had had in the past and how I would be determined to keep going. Then I realized something, I had just "done" everything in my head, so what was the point of actually doing it in real life? I had already pictured the activity and so "knew" what the experience was going to be like, it took away all of the excitement and newness of the proposed adventure to the gym. I realized that to motivate myself I had to instead picture what it would be like to stand at the entrance to the gym and be excited to go inside as a new experience rather than a replay of what I had done in the past. To do this I started thinking of activities with words rather than as images in my head. Instead of an image of being at the gym, which is only a memory of a past time, think "I want to go to the gym, that would be good". Thinking the words creates more motivation and excitement to go. At least it has for me :). We'll see if I actually go! Have a great day everyone.

Picking myself up

by Jayne Email

Everyday it seams I have to try so hard to pick myself up and enjoy the things that happen in life during a day. Just getting motivated to go see a friend for coffee is so hard and takes so much energy that I don't seam to have. I'd just rather stay in bed and sleep. The past few weeks I've had the energy, it hasn't been easy, but I've got motivated to get going and do things. Today I hit a wall, I just wanted to stay in bed and sleep and watch movies all day. I feel miserable. If this is what life is like I don't know if I have the energy to do what it takes to be happy and keep going. I keep trying, I've been trying for years to be happy and enjoy my life but nothing I do seams to work. I just feel miserable and like crying. I just want to be left alone and not have to deal with all these sad feelings. There is this sadness inside of me that makes me just want to cry. I feel it the most when I relax and do yoga, when they say to do the deep breathing I feel this sadness inside of me that wants to come out. I feel like crying but can't. It's always there, just some days I manage to push it deeper. Once I had a visualization of this small dark thing crawling out of my stomach. This sad person, shriveled and ignore, crawling out into the light and wanting to be seen and heard and loved. It was me. It scared me so much so see that small sad person with hopeful eyes that I pushed it back down inside of me and pretended that it hadn't been there. I didn't want to deal with it and the stream of things that would come after it if I let them all out. I still feel the sadness inside of me everyday though, the little person is still there, and sad, and lonely, and inside of me.

Where my depression came from

by Jayne Email

I had a bit of a realization today of where my depression came from. I was watching some you tube videos and came across the video of Hillary Adams and how she was beat by her father. My parents never really beat me, I remember once my mom encouraging my brother to kick me when I was on the floor and another time my mother trying to break down my bedroom door I had barricaded with furniture, but that was it. I remember more the emotional abuse. I remember as a little kid siting at the top of the stairs screaming for my dad. He was 300km away but I figured that if I screamed loud enough he would have to hear me because I needed him so bad. He didn't come. Mom got mad at me for being so loud and told me to shut up. She was doing the dishes. I don't remember why I was so upset to begin with, but I was mad at my mom. I was so mad at her. I think I've been mad at her for a really long time. I was mad because she didn't make any sense but always got her way just because she was an adult. My feelings didn't count because I was a kid and I remember them being hurt so many times and it didn't matter how I felt. She would yell and be mean and she could get away with whatever she wanted and I just had to take it and she could do whatever. She would walk around in her underwear and never cared if we didn't want to see her. She was the adult and how we felt didn't matter. I remember having so many arguments with her and she would always win because she was the one with the car or the food. If I didn't back down she would take away the rides. Or she would make me feel guilty for everything she did for me, as though taking care of me was a burden she had to endure. She birthed me, I wasn't going to be sorry for needing food or clothing or shelter. When I was 15 I got the hell out of there found my own food shelter and clothing. I've been doing ok ever since, and she takes credit for any achievements I have. She'll brag to people about something that I did but not tell them that I had to move out of the house at 15 because she flew into a wild mood and called the cops. My feelings were constantly invalidated, as though they didn't exist or weren't important. I don't think she ever really loved me. I think she was in a lot of pain and took it out on me because she couldn't deal with it. I hate her so much for pushing all this onto me. But hey, I guess it gives me the chance to be the strong one. I've got to figure this out or I'm never having kids because I'll never be able to treat them like my mom treated me and I don't trust myself not to turn into the monster that she is. I feel so alone.

Tired Day

by Jayne Email

It's my first day taking 10 mg of Cipralex. I am sooo tired. I just want to sleep and eat all day. I did get out and some errands. I had a bad interaction with some sales staff and it really sent me for a loop. I was really upset and mad for a few hours. It bothered me that I was so upset because I was allowing someone else to control how I felt. I do believe that to a certain degree other people's actions should affect me, but in this case I think I really reacted strongly to the incident. I don't know if it was because I am very tired or if it was another side effect of the Cipralex. I've not had a headache in a few days or any other extreme symptoms. My back is sore, but that may just be from trying to correct my posture lately. I'm going to go make some hot chocolate and watch a couple tv shows before bed. Maybe I'll fall asleep early. :)

Day 7 on Cipralex

by Jayne Email

It's day 7 of a 5 mg daily dose of Cipralex. I'm feeling pretty good but there are a few side effects. I'll go through the good things first. I feel more motivated, I can focus and get things done. I find it easier to smile, that may sound odd but I really like it. I feel more secure about my future because I've been able to focus on my work and therefore move forward.On the down side I am so tired I can barely stay awake, its different from the "bone tired" I used to feel before though. I feel aches and pains more than I did before. I also have a headache and my eyes are sore. But, because I am more able to focus I can still work with these side effects. I hope things get better. Tomorrow I increase to 10 mg, I hope that doesn't made things worse.

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