I'm sitting here all alone feeling like my world is crumbling down around me. I am loosing controll of everything. I have to try and controll my emotions and I can't. I dont have the brave face anymore it's just sad. I am loosing everything. I'm sinking and can't get out. I can feel myself getting sucked in to the dark place. I really dont like the dark place and it took me so long to claw my way out and for what. Just so I can get sucked back in. I can't do it, i just can't do it

I honestly didnt think things could get any worse. Hubby has now been suspended from work, and quite possibly loose his job. I feel like my world is caving in around me and I am sinking.  I can't breath, I can't think, I am panicking. I dont know what to do. I just want to run away and hide. I want to be gone from here. I dont know how much more i can handle. I am fighting back the tears as when I get upset it seems to make him grumpy, like he is irritated at me for being upset.  I try to be supportive but i just dont have the energy left in me to care about him like that. Does that make me a bad person? I'm emotionally drained. I can't eat, I can't sleep. The moment i feel any goodness in my life it gets ripped away from me.

Wow again. Not sure i want to be here anymore. Can't handle the fighting or the yelling, the accusation that are getting thrown around. I dont want to do this any more. I can't do this anymore. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up

Spoke to hubby today. Dont know why I bothered. He promised to give up drinking, he finally admitted that he is an alcoholic. Well not much has changed. I found a near empty bottle of wine.  It just so happened that it was a present for me from my son for my 40th birthday. Even though I don't drink the particular brand he bought me it is probably one of the first gifts my boy has bought me in a long time and I had planned on keeping it. It was still in the bag that he gave it to me in. I was so upset when I found it.  I asked him about it this morning and he was like " you dont even like it" i tried saying thats not the point but I knew it would be a endless argument.  But get this, this is the bit that really upset me HE DOESNT EVEN LIKE WINE.......... Now tell me how was I supposed to react to that.  Well the only way i could react was go and spend the last of our money on cigarettes for him, which annoyed me as he knew I was out of one of my medications. But heaven forbid he may have to go without for a day or two.so again today is another day i have spent hiding out in my bedroom. It's becoming a regular thing, almost my safe haven.

Why is that when I have that slight feeling of "I'm ok" it gets shot done in flames faster than the though itself. All I want isto be heard and not judged for feeling this way. I am so sad i just want to cry,but I can't my son is home and I know he knows what is happening around him but he is a very sensitive 19 yr who get upset everytime I get yelled at or voices get raised. It breaks my heart when he gets upset because i am. So again I am fighting back the tears and trying to be strong but i dont have the energy anymore, just doing the normal day to day things i find a struggle. I seem to be spending more and more time closed up in my bedroom just doing nothing. I might have the telly on but no idea what I am watching. I space out, zone out i dont see or hear anything. I dont want to see or hear anything. Everytime i say or do something i get made to feel like crap. He just doesn't understand how depressed i am and how much i just need support, someone to listen and not judge. Someone who won't tell me to "snap out of it"  or " you are just being silly" or " you'll be right, just don't worry about it "  i so badly need a stiff drink but that is one of his problems that is the issue. I know it wont do me any good to have one and i dont think I would stop at one. So as much as I want one i dont. I just want to forget, to close my eyes and forget, to not feel anything but peace. I need this pain to go away. I just want to stop hurting. I need to stop hurting, my head hurts, my heart hurts, my whole body aches. I just dont want to do this anymore. I can't do this anymore I am emotionally and physically drained. I dont have much left in me.i feel like i am going to explode