ok well i thought my car was fixed but trans slipped again yesterday. still stressed...but have options my brother in law is looking for a trans for me...it might not need a whole new trans..my cousin is lending me his car for work...and well if worse comes to worse maybe someone will cosign for a small personal loan so i can get a new used car...overall still very stressed out and am getting my med doses upped on wed...but have a bit more hope. thank god for the stronger xanax anxiety pills my mom gave me cause without them i think i would have been back in the hospital after this last week. hoping that this all works out h

Well so much for no anxiety attacks anymore. I have now had two major ones...One being about a month and a half ago and the other being tonight as I am driving home and my transmission goes out...It is gushing fluid...Hoping it is just a line cause if it is the trans itself I am FUCKED...everything I have worked for down the MOTHERFUCKING DRAIN. No car=no job...as I totally rely on my car to get me to my jobs....and anyone that knows anything about detroit knows that there is no public transportation reliable enough to get me to my jobs in the detroit metro area...especially as a substitute teacher. I have really been thinking about alot of stuff as of late. Especially with the holidays...everyone has someone that I know...significant others and people that are there to comfort them when shit hits the fan. I go home to a giant house with nobody there. Nobody just calls me to see whats up...unless of course I call them...Have I truly made all the progress that I have been talking about. My hugest fear is if I died in my sleep tonight would anyone even know or care? If it wasn't for my uncle I would go days if not weeks without hearing from anyone. I haven't dated in so long I wouldn't even know where to begin...plus I have such a nervousness about the state of my teeth that I am not even sure that I would want to date anyone. I was suppose to get my meds cut down next week...but now I think I might need to raise them back up. I feel like I am a abscess on my uncle but really his family is the closest connection I have had to people in years. I don't know how to connect anymore. I am fine when I am at work but the only connections I really make is with the kids. It not like the teachers talk with me I am just a sub. I just watched an uncle die with no friends and none of his brothers and sisters would even take care of his estate...and my biggest fear is that something will happen to me and no one will even know. Feeling kind of shitty tonight. Praying to god this isnt a major repair.

happy new year.

Merry Christmas all!!! So I have been away from the internet and my blog for a little bit...as my computer died on my. I have had a pretty awesome year...if there is one thing that I have learned about my anxiety and depression this year is sometimes you have to just buckle down and trudge that extra mile to be successful!!!! I am slowly starting to regain all of the things that my depression...like anything else we will take steps backwards sometimes but they are only temporary. I don't have to live in the shadows anylonger. I can be who I am and stand up for myself. When I feel insulted or talked down to by family or friends I can let them know how I feel without pushing them away. Most of all for the first time in a very long time I am comfortable in my own skin and where my life is at right now. I have a job, I am slowly rebuilding relationships with family and I am looking at going back to get my masters in special education. I have people that care about me today that I let in my life and that know what makes me tick. There are days that I forget to take my medicine and I don't notice any difference. I have money to make purchases that I need like the laptop that I am typing on right now. But most of all I have found the respect for myself that I had lost for many many years and when we regain our own respect and start taking care of the depression and anxiety then other people are more likely to respect us. This is all Merry Christmas and Happy New Year all!!!

So again I find myself entering some new and exciting waters...after 3 months of subbing I have decided that teaching is something I really want to do again. Weather it be in a regular classroom teaching History or if it is in a special ed resource room I want to educate and teach the next generation of teachers, parents, doctors, lawyers etc.... Working with these kids these last few months has been absolutely enlightening to me. I have been forced to go back and look at life from the eyes of 10-14 year old's as I have mostly been working with middle school kids. This age is such a fragile age for kids...and besides their parents the next most influential role models in their lives are and should be their teachers. Every kid deserves a good and proper education and I have the ability to work with this age group. Will it be easy to reach this goal. NO but nothing worth working for is easy. My goal which I will be researching over Christmas break is to start looking into taking the basic skills, and subject tests and then if I am allowed to apply for emergency certification so I can start applying for teaching positions. Or at least take on long term jobs as a sub. More then anything...doing this job again makes me feel good about John. Even if I cant apply for the certification I know that I will be looking in to getting the education to get it. I know how hard it was for me as a kid and much of my anxiety started in middle school years...as a educator I have the power to help kids turn that anxiety and depression around and focus on the positive things that are happening in their lives and I believe that is my calling. To be continued...