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27
Aug

The Here, Now and How

Decisions

relationsips

people

hope

dashed to the rocks as an egg falling from its nest

desperate to cling to life

yet life is so fragile

like a shell

little that can be done to stop its shattering

not even the over protection and the constant wrapping and walls and boundries

placed

to

stop the hurt

to prevent the hurt

yet i fall

not knowing my fate

hoping for the best

yest so unprepared for the worst

free falling into oblivion

sufforcating

axiety clutch in my throat

like a dagger

like posion and bile

rushing through by veins

and then i yell to God

Why me

Why Fucking Me

....................................

.................................................

....................

.....................

.....

.........

.........................................

and i am blessed with

deafening silence

and

my heart goes numb

i freeze

that moment when you are about to touch earth

and you kno not what to expect

close your eyes to exit the reality

and then i disappear

not knowing where i came from

where i am headed

and i scream

but my voice seems not to exist that moment

and i scream

scream the soul out that i long to rid my self of

no sound escape my throat

i clutch my throat

in horror

whatever happen to me .....

i  have lost myself

and

know

not

what

to

do...

 

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13
Feb

How Time Flies

Been a while since I last wrote

Time has indeed flew

one semester disappeared in a blink of an eye

and i am left wondering

what the fuck is really going on

what am i doing with my life

or do i even know what i want from it

On Saturday 8th feb i celebrated my 20th birthday

20 years on this planet earth

and i feel

lost

old

and have no idea where

my next step is going to be

or if i have the strenght and courage to

make the descisions that are required of being a adult

i have realised recently tha i am afraid and indecisive

because i want somebody to make the decisions for me

so that i dont have to make them

so i wouldnt blame myself if things get

shit up

but then

you cant live life like that

one day i have to be a man

an adult thrusted into the world

to fend

to swim

and survive

by myself

for myself

and the fine line between life and drowning

or being overwhelmed

an alcoholic

a druggie

if i can

accept the things that i can change

have the courage to make the decisions to chane the things that i can change

so sit

in my own mess

and blame

this

fucking

world.

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22
Aug

Where Now?

 

I bite back tears

why

I feel lost

why

I have no idea

not knowing what to do with my life

acceptance of the things that are part of my life

I feel this void in my soul

something is definately missing from my life

But what

tears trickle down my cheek and i am left wondering about this life

where i am

what i am

who i am

and where i need to be

i have no idea whether or not the choices that i make are the right ones

the right ones for me

Top it off i feel like a failure

like the things that i have done are not good enough

no one has said that to my face but i feel it

feel it for myself

I feel a whirl pool of emotions right now

failure

lost

lost

confused

confused

sad

empty

and i sit and wonder why

i read this poem or what ever you call it that stopped me dead

it sent me into a horrid place

i fell so deep into that pit that i immediately started to cry

here it goes:

Unanswered prayer

i asked for strength that i might achieve;

but was made weak that i might learn humbly to obey.

i asked for health that i might do greater things;

i was given infirmity that i migh do better things.

i asked for riches that i might be happy;

i was given poverty that i might be wise.

i asked for power that i might have praise of men;

i was given weakness that i feel the need of god.

i asked for all things that i might enjoy life;

i was given life that i might enjoy all things.

i got nothing i asked for,

but everything i had hoped for.

Almost dispite myself my unspoken prayers were answered,

I am among all men, most righly blessed.

I cried

i couldnt countrol myself a wave of emotion just hit me

and i felt like if i was not a grateful for the things that i had

in esscene things could be so much worst

but that does not take away from me not feeling happy

i am not happy.

I have not been happy in a long time and i ask myself why that is?

So many things have occured in my life and i had little to no control over them.

Now here i am an Adult given the things to make the decisions for myself

and i gladly accept them.

But

but

but

but.............

I am afraid that the choices are the wrong ones.

Cut back to a few years ago

I was so sure

hell bent on how my life would look

and the things that I wanted in my life

of my life.

Now I am not sure.

I am bombared with the fear that the decisions i make

Are what I am stuck with for life.

But is it the right ones for me.

I just want to be happy

I just want to live a life that is comfortable

one that I am able to provide for myself and

not have to go through the hardships that my parents have had.

Life is full of tough decision and i realise that as part of growing up one learns from the choices

that one makes based on whether they are good or bad

and how it has affected ones life.

But i cant help but feel lost.

I need a clear mind

and right now Idont

I havent had one in years.

I make decisions based on the imput of others based on me wanting to please my parents

show them how thankful I am for the sacrifices that they have made for me

and my siblings.

I think I am not doing that too well I feel I have disappointed them.

Even though my father says he is proud of me

and I sometimes see that pride but..

But

I am gay and I know he doesnt want a gay son.

based on his beliefs based on what the bible has said.

I am happy though that he is not a bible basher.

I wouldnt say that he has fully accepted it

but I dont feel ill at ease like did in the past

like there is this huge elephant in the room

that awkward feeling of when is he going to start with religion

and my "condition".

but i dont know.

I would not say that i am working on fixing myself

because part of me knows why i cannot be in a relationship

much less be with a woman.

Past experiences have thought me well.

I have to first work on my past.

Get to that period where i am comfortable in my skin

where i have made peace with my past

and am able to work and look forward to a different future,

who knows maybe i might decide and bite the bullet

and become married

or start a relationship

or even have children

but for now

i remain lost

and empty

unhappy and slightly angry

confused

and ...

just not knowing where to go

what to do

Now i face my decision and see how well it works

maybe i would like it

maybe i would not

but in the end i would have said to myself

Jason you did what you wanted

here is how it went maybe now i can open my doors to different and new opportunities

who knows what my future looks like

but i know what i want to do with my lif e

i want to travel so very much

the world seems so huge so undiscovered so many things waiting to be hold.

i want to party

i want to have a little fun

i want a tattoo

i want to be rid of fear to do new things

i want to play the cello

i want to play the piano

i want to go to gay pride

i want to see so many things

do so many things that i have no idea where to begin

how to begin

should i begin?

gone are the days where mommy and daddy made the decisions for me

now i have the opportunity to do that for myself.

Lets see how that works out .

Lets

hope

i

dont

fuck

it

up.

free b2evolution skin
20
Aug

Expectations

soapy suds every where

face drenched with tears

heart burning

chest burning

eyes buring from the salty tears

iron fist grip on this pot scrubber as i try to

get rid of my pain

my hurt

my horrid feeling that has griped my chest

gripped my heart

gripped my soul

I am a mess as usual

a

complete

and

utter

MESS

Scrub

SCRUB

i must not think

i must not feel

i cry harder

and try to wipe frantically those blinding tears

shit

soap in my eyes

it burns

i deserve it

i

darn

well

do

What is wrong with me?

i dont even know

i feel out of control

like everything is falling away from me

the more i chase

the more i grab

is like sand

between my fingers

and i see everything slip

slip

SLIP

away and i cant do nothing

not one thing

so i grip harder

i feel lost

confused

Is any one out there?

God if you are listening

let me

know

weak moment

to call on God

he doesnt even care

seems not to care

doesnt even care

i feel like i am in a whirl pool

slowly

losing my mind

losing myself

losing hope

losing....

disappearing

the pot seems clean

but not clean enough

i see

that it is not clean enough

I dont feel better

I feel

hope less

but i got to keep scrubbing

that has always made me feel better

takes my mind away

clears my mind

yet it is not

working

I scrub

harder

scrub my hands raw

I see blood

good

I am alive

or am I?

going insane?

help

me

please!

 

free b2evolution skin
17
Aug

Poor Sis

I bark at her

she deserves it she is annoying at times

then i feel horrible

like such a horrible person she is only a child

then she returns

nagging

nagging

interfering and breaking things

then i bark at her again

I feel worst because i just was arguing with myself and beating myself up  for doing that

then i give her candy

an let her comb my hair

then she takes things to far

doesnt understand stop

doesnt understand enough

and i bark at her again

now i feel nothing

nothing at all she deserves it

she climbs on the table

plays in the bucket of water

rips up things

pours water on the computer

and i am angry

pissed

OMG she is always under me

follows me always on my heel

no space

no time for myself

sigh

it can be so fustrating

so vexing

I blame her

all her fault

she

my mother

acts as if my sister is my child

to care of

look after

bathe

cook for

clean up after

I cant even go out

to lime with friends

to get out

this clusterphobic fucking house

tired of seeing these four walls

tired of being woken up when i finally am able to fall asleep to

go make breakfast

I am tired of being blamed when i mother reaches home

an my sister has destroyed something

i am tired of having to feel horrible if i cant watch her because i need to get something

done

is it my fault

NO

i have give selflessly 13 years of my life to taking care of my siblings

from a baby till their current age

i had no child hood

i was never able to go outside and play football

or run about

or play hide and seek

never

the house was where i was sentenced to

and it seems like my prision for the rest of my life

SIGH

i am so fucking FED UP taking care of children that i worry

i might not even want any when the time comes

i might settle with a dog

but i dont like dogs

maybe a cat i like cats

or a fish or both

cat and fish

i feel like i dont want to see any more children for my life

i mean that

I feel horrible having to bark at my lil sis

she is only 8

but being the only older person she sees the most

i think it is my duty to

ensure she does what is right

even when she is spoilt by my parents

It angers me to see the things that she is allowed to get away with

things that she does that she gets off with a lil shurg

when i was at that age things were different sooo very different

to see double standards by my parent is so disheartening and unfair

but what can i do

nothing

she is not my child yet she seems to be

you know what she said to me the other day and i felt

even worst about myself

she said Jason you know you are like my dad

I felt like shit

complete shit

and i knew why

here i was angry for the things that she does

vex with myself for telling her off

vex with my mother for not allowing me to have the freedom that is so rightfully mine

vex for having to take care of a child as if she was my own

vex for being in the house

ves for every fucking thing

that God so right fully thought that my life should suck with

and this innocent child dispite all that

looks at me and says those beautiful words

i nearly died

and i felt like utter mess '

Sigh

what is wrong with me

i am sooo horrible

beyond repair

and i cry

because i know not what else to do

this fucking animal i have becomed

 

 

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