... a depression and anxiety blog and chat room community.

Bookmark and Share

07.16.2013

First Day Out...

Last night, I found out my husband had a slight fever. I felt so bad and worried for him. I thought maybe there's something wrong with his intestines or something. He has been having irregular bowel movements. Irregular in the sense that it is regular, he does it everyday. But, it is not as solid as it used to be. It's been going on for weeks now and last night, he had lbm. Then he had a slight fever, 37.5 C to be exact.

So I got worried and told him we need to see a doctor. He shrugged it off and said he just needed to rest and sleep. I was planning on watching the rest of Mr. Selfridge but after finding out he was sick, I closed the lights and just played on my phone, as quietly as I could, to let him sleep as soundly as he possibly could.

Earlier on the day before that happened, I told him I will go out today. I will do my best to fight and go out. I felt angry that my sisters, whom hurt me just recently, acted as if nothing wrong happened and went about their days unhurt, unlike me. So, I told myself, I will show them. I will go out and go on without them. But I wasn't really sure if I could do it. I've been telling myself that for a couple of days already and every time I went out, all I wanted to do next was to go back home.

So today, I have a new reason for fighting,.... for going out. I can't continue on like this, I'm affecting my husband, obviously. He is getting sick and tired, because I'm not there to help him. So today, I will fight this battle with my depression once again. But with a new reason, to protect my husband, to help him and to be by his side as I have vowed to do on our wedding day. So here goes....

07.15.2013

Mr. Selfridge...

I finally fell asleep ....around 6am....candy crush kept me company. How sweet!

My husband kissed me a good morning and a good bye...oh no, no, no....not a permanent good bye....a good bye for he was off to work. He is very hardworking. He loves what he is doing and he wakes up every morning wanting to go to work and be productive.

I, on the otherhand, stayed at home once again. Slept from 6am until 4pm. A good 10 hours of sleep. Had weird dreams, forgot them now, but sometimes I think I am psychic. I have felt a lot of dechavous and thought to myself, maybe I am psychic. I have dreamt about the future and now I'm experiencing it. Or maybe that's my coocooness starting in me. Whatever it is, I slept like a baby and woke up like a slob today.

So why is my title "Mr. Selfridge" you say? Well its because I have watched 4 episodes straight today of this tv show and oh how fascinating it is. I'm excited and thrilled to find out what will happen next. I'm waiting for my husband to get home so I can get the rest of the episodes from him. See, he is my downloader. He downloads using his apple laptop and that makes me feel safe. I used to download using my laptop but I have encountered lots and lots of viruses already before and I do not want to go through that again.

Mr. Selfridge! Set in the olden days of London and oh how marvelously romantic it is. If I could speak here, I would be speaking in a british accent, oh dear! ....I am learning a lot from this show. May it be accurate or not, it is very educational. Telling stories of how people lived before and how we can relate with them, even if we live in a different world now.

I can relate to "Agnes." Not because she has a drunken father nor a dependent brother. But because of how she is excited with her work at the new Selfridge store. Oh how I remembered of my short work experience. Of how I was pursued by a handsome but utterly indecent boss. And how my superior protected me and made me feel valued, just like a father would. And of how I had a crush on an immediate superior just because he spoke with a british accent! Oh, I am not that shallow?!

I liked him for other reasons. I remember talking to him at work. His lips so close to my computer. With a moustache or a goatie, whatever you call it.....He was sporting this new look for our event that was going to be held in Macau. He was trying to look like a rocker by sporting a goatie, thinly shaved but oh so masculine and sexy!! I remember lusting abt it during work, looking at it while he spoke to me about work.

He was not your usual handsome. He had buck teeth and glasses. Tall and unfit, had a belly but not obese, just not muscular. He was not very smart either. But he knew of our work. He knew of the rules and knew on how to implement them properly. He was very kind and understanding. Gentle. That's it, maybe it's the gentleness that attracted me to him with the contrast of dirty...no not dirty....but risky. That is what he was to me.

My husband today sports a goatie because I requested it from him, when he was courting me. Until this day, I get turned on by just looking and feeling his goatie. Some people say, he looks older with it. Some of my closest friends who knew about my goatie crush of my boss, teasies me about it. Not because it reminded me of my boss, but because I am making my husband look older, so I can look younger.

Younger? Oh why do I need to do that? Yes, he is 3 yrs younger than me. But his going bald does the trick already. I do not need to make him look any older. His genes get the credit for that. I just made him more desirable for me, "more suited to my palate," as Lady Mae would say it.

Mr. Selfridge. I wish you will be a successfull TV Drama and I will get to watch more of you soon. Here's to you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

07.14.2013

Can't Sleep...

Yup, can't sleep! It's 2:32 AM and I can't sleep. That's probably because I stopped taking my prescribed "Reinin" medz. Mood stabilizer my psych says. I think its a sleeper. It makes me go to sleep at the right time of night time. Or maybe it's just psychological, I think it makes me go to sleep but it actually doesn't have that effect.

You see, I do not trust my psychiatrist. He says he is top of his class blah blah blah...worked in Australia,...blah blah blah....for all I know, he worked as a janitor in Australia. You see my country has proudly presented itself as the best exporter of human services to the world. Our economy thrives today because we have exported our best. ;)

So going back,..I can't sleep. For the past 7 days, I have been stuck in my room, from time to time, my husband convinces me to go out and watch a movie, or go out to eat. In a span of 7 days, I went out 3 days with a maximum of 4 to 5 hours. Success for my husband and painful zombie like glare on my face.

You see, my husband is probably the only reason now why I haven't thought of committing suicide again. I mean really thought about it and contemplated on it. I would have glimpses of jumping out of the balcony of our room only to have broken bones and an ugly face...but no real planning thoughts.....

It could also be because of my renewed faith,...that there is a God and committing suicide will make me go to hell. Thoughts in my head still question that sometimes, but I choose to believe the truth, there is a God. But I do not understand depression. Depression is in the Bible. People back in the old days also got depressed, but the cause or solution? Hmmmm....that's another blog to be discussed in the future, but for now...let us go back again to me not being able to sleep....

You may notice my thoughts jump from one to the other. You see, that is how it is in my head. I have a thought, then something else comes along. And most of the time, it is negative and painful. Like I tell myself, fight, fight, fight and go out tomorrow. Get sexy and show the people who hurt you, that you are doing better without them and they will envy you.

But I can't do the first part,...go out. I don't know why, but staying in bed and in the comforts of my parents-in-law's home is so comfortable to me. I call it home now after just 8 months of marriage and living with them. I feel safe and at home, in their home. I get depressed here now and not at my original home with my parents.

So I can't do the first part, the going out part. So I choose to start this blog. Let it out there. Release my feelings. Since I do not trust my psychiatrist, I stopped taking his prescribed medz and stopped seeing him. So now, I only have you my little blog posts to keep me company during these tormentous times in my life. Which I realized has started since I was a child...

The agony of not feeling anything, but wanting to vomit anger and shout and just release but can not. That is how I feel and I can't do anything about it but just write here. Hope this will help.

07.14.2013

Hello, I am Jughead Queen

I just realized one of the reasons why I am probably very indecisive is because I grew up with very opinionated siblings and parents....being the middle child if that's what you call it ...squeezed between a double digit number of siblings, not being the eldest nor second to the eldest or youngest nor second to the youngest....I always had someone to decide things for me.

Choosing my husband was probably one of the few decisions I was given without any of them giving their unsolicited "advise." That was also probably because I had tried to commit suicide before and they all thought it was because of a broken heart that my mother instilled upon me for she made sure I would not end up with the guy I had a relationship with before my husband. So when it came to matters of the heart, they stayed away. ;)

Which reminds me, I give my mom a little credit for "helping" me in a sense ...for if she didn't exile me, I would've ended up with boyfriend number 2.5 . That's why on my wedding day, I honoured her like a good Christian daughter would, even if most of my life with her was spent contemplating on dramatic vengeful moments proving to her how wrong she was not to have loved me.

Hello internet and window to the world, I am Jughead Queen and I am depressed. :yes:

 

 

 

 

Depression Blogs - Depression Journals - Anxiety Blogs - Anxiety Journals - Depression Chat Rooms - Anxiety Chat Rooms

Copyright 2010 www.depression-blogs-chat-rooms.org All rights reserved.