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Woof. It's only Thursday?

DEPRESSION RAMBLE:

Exhausted. Just plain old exhausted. I'm tired of being tired. Every day feels like a marathon, and I feel like I should be given a trophy for not only managing to get up for work but HEY showering, bravo! I mean I'm 23, it just sounds ridiculous. That's my reality though. I'm pms-ing this week too, which I don't know about any other girls who deal with depression/anxiety but my wallowing in my deep woes as well as my panic whirlwind of thoughts is amplified significantly during this week. Not too bad during as well as after.

I'm trying this blogging thing, like I said, to try and clear out all of this crap built up in my head but even typing seems too hard. It's do-able, and I know it physically is because I do it all day at work, but everything just seems like such a damn effort. WAHHHHH. I have my follow up appointment next week, so we'll see what the doctor says. I think the paxil has been working, it almost puts a floor underneath me I'd say so I don't reach those deep crippling levels of depression where I can't function. Now instead of not showering (which mind you I work in the corporate fashion world where everyone is dressed to the nines so it is VERY noticeable) and being on the train to work and having thoughts of just getting off and not going in and sitting in Starbucks alone all day don't happen. I wake up now being like meh, today is probably going to blow but I can deal with it and carry on.

The problem with the paxil is that it has KILLED my appetite. Has this happened to anyone else? I force myself to eat at meal times even if I'm not hungry because I need to. It's strange though because when I was first researching paxil when he put me on it I was like O SH*T because people mentioned gaining a lot of weight. I however, have probably lost some weight which being 5'7 and like 115 is not a good thing. So unfortunately I don't think he's going to be able to up the dose from the 12.5 mg, but I don't know .. we'll see.

BOY DRAMA RAMBLE:

Meh, titled this but now I don't even think I feel like getting into this today. Shall we discuss tomorrow, JuneBug? Sounds good, Junebug .. pencil me in! lol this blog thing is a strange concept, I mean it's a conversation with yourself really. I made it public in case this in some way this helps someone. I personally love reading or watching videos about other people's experiences with depression. Reminds you that you're not the only one going through this stuff/not crazy.

 

Anyways, happy almost Friday people :) XX JuneBuggy

HUMP day. Wish I could punch that camel in the commercial the face … :O who said that?!

Well, it's Wednedsay. The third day this week that has felt like it should've been Friday. I've been meaning to start blogging or keeping a diary or something, but just normally prefer bantering with myself about depression in my head ... thought it could be more therapeutic to do it on paper .. well, a keyboard really, but you know get it all out. I'm just normally so exhausted by the time I get home from work that I eat dinner and go to bed. I feel like not processing all of this anxiety and depression and trying to just shove it under and blanket and shove it in a closet and lock that damn tight has not been working.

I've dealt with depression on and off for the past 7 years but never was treated until now. I basically have always been able to paint a smile on face and appear "normal" most days. Now that I'm working (HATE the job, the company is a hot mess and people have been leaving right and left and it's just a sh*tshow basically every day, no lunch break just pure panic amongst everyone all day ... talk about a great environment for someone with anxiety to be working in daily :roll:) and my schedule is more intense than when I was in school so now I'm getting up at 6 and getting home and 8 and trying to fit in studying for the LSAT test in between. I'm just exhausted and I know that there are WAY worse struggles in life that people deal with, and I remind myself on a daily basis basically of GET YOUR SH*T TOGETHER LIFE DOES NOT BLOW THAT MUCH FOR YOU. It's like I understand that on a logical level but it's like I just can't help feeling like that.

 

It's strange, I hate dealing with depression/anxiety ..especially the secretiveness of it all for me. My immediate family knows that I am dealing with this and that I'm taking Paxil and Klonopin when I have bad attacks, but only two of my friends know and nobody at work.

 

I always make excuses for why I can't hang out with my friends and now I've just gotten to the point in the past few weeks that I just have stopped responding to them. Not everyone. I just feel like lately just making it through my day is enough, and the week WOAH SOMEBODY HAND ME A TROPHY. It's draining, which is sad because I'm 23. I should want to be going to bars and doing fun things, but I just feel disconnected and honestly my top pick for what to do in my free time would be sit and watch TV.

 

I am forcing myself to get up and do things on the weekend though, and same with food, eating healthy but some days (today being one of them) you binge or you want to read about other people's b*tching about their misery so you feel justified in wanting to wallow. Yes, I want to get better and I am putting forth effort to do so. But sometimes, you just want to say F*CK OFF, I've had enough. Let me wallow by myself in my bed in peace. That's not peace though, it's an illness. Another hard part about all of this, is besides the secretiveness of me not sharing with people about what I am struggling with sometimes I even feel that people who do know don't get it. Even when they say that get it, unless the person has gone through it or is dealing with it themseleves, I can tell when speaking with them the difference.

 

Ok, well so much for a small first post. Any advice or words of encouragment would be lovely, folks:) That is, if people even will be reaidng this lol not sure how this site works. Anyways, if you are reading this best of luck with whatever you are struggling with. I feel you, and I send you well wishes!

xo JuneBug

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