I think i have been doing everything right.  I go to my thearpist appoinments and take the medication i have been given but i still feel sad.  I dont know what combination of meds are going to help me but i am being to lose hope that i will never be ok and live a normal happy life.  Its just getting harder and harder to imagine.  My head is a mess right now so im going to just end this blog here tonight.  Ive been meaning to write more but have been in a wierd funk this last month.

xoxo

Its been about 7 months or so since i began taking my medications.  I see my psychiatrist every four weeks and every time I see her my meds get changed a little.  Currently I'm taking 200mg of Zoloft, 100mg of Wellbutrin and Ativan for anxiety.  Also Trazadone for my insomnia.

The last few days have been a complete disaster for me. I don't know what else I can do.  I hate living this way. (If you can call it living.) It's hard to pretend day in and day out that I am ok when really I'm not.  It's frightening to me that i am missing so much of this life because of this depression and anxiety.  Things have always been hard for me.  Simple things that people do everyday are like a nightmare to me.  A simple phone call makes me completely freak.  Its' hard not having people who understand me.  People want to judge me and simply call me lazy or other hurtful things  Some of those people are my so called Aunts.  I honestly wish that i had Aunts who i could talk to like some people have But no I am not that lucky.  Instead I was given Aunts who talk about me behind my back and judge me without knowing what I am going through.


So tomorrow I have to take my daughter to a dentist appointment and I am freaking out.  There really is no reason for me to freak out but this is one of many examples on how this anxiety and depression are holding me back in life.  I really want to be better.  I need things to get better.  I just keep getting more and more hopeless that one day I will be "normal"

I don't mean for these blog entry's to be "everywhere" but lately its been really hard for me to concentrate on a task.  Hopefully its get better as i update this thing

Oh and also i am having trouble with my eating.  In two years i have gained like 100lbs.  I used to be in great shape and now its gone to hell mostly because of the depression.  But i am working on this and with the help of others to cheer me on i know i can do it since i dont have the support from my family.

xoxo

One of the recent side effects of my depression is insomnia.I have had depression my entire life.  Well at least as long as I can remember.  Not sleeping has never been a problem.  I actually used to sleep to much as a teen.  I always feel tired and lack energy but have a hard time falling asleep.  I am taking Trazodone for this problem.  It helps me fall asleep and stay asleep.  I still feel like I have no energy.
My anxiety has also gotten worse over the past two years but i know I've had it my whole life. I never knew what was wrong with me.  I was always  scared to do things that normal people enjoy and do things that I found interesting .  I think I always took this as shyness and I think some people took it as laziness.  My family has never understood my problems.  They just judge me for not working or not driving.  They can't understand the daily struggle I go through.  The pain is just so much.  I cry a lot for no reason sometimes.  It hurts me so bad to be judged by people who are suppose to be my support.  I just feel so alone.  My fiance is the only person that i can truly be myself with and he doesn't judge me.  I know it frustrates him sometimes because I "CAN'T" do things but he's always there for me.
I hate feeling like this.  I hate feeling alone and sad. I just want to be better. I feel like I am living in my own personal hell..  hopefully with the help of my psychiatrist , medication and this blog i can be a functioning person.

xoxo