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Screaming inside!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i just wanna throw my head into a pillow and scream!!! i dont know what to say or do!!!! i feel like my head is going to explode!!! i hate deprresion!!!!! ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thinkin of that sad day...

when i get really deprresed i think about the passing of my grandpa. i rember the exact date and times of everything that played out on the particular day. my grandpa lived in kentucky an i do not. we would go down every weekend or everyother weekend to see them. it was his birthday weekend. it was also the week i got out of school. we drove down to kentucky and i ALWAYS spent time with him we did everything together. we did lots of bonding on this weekend and me and him sat down and ate a whole canolope together because he loved it! we spent his birthday with him and had a good time like we always do. i dont normally cry when we leave but for some reason this particular time we left i cried and i didnt wanna go home. i figured it was cause my weekend was so awesome! i hadent got a lot of sleep that weekend so i slept alot of the way home. i was having terrible nightmares the whole way home about random stuff. so i woke up it was about 3:50pm and i wanted to call my grandma and grandpa to tell them where we were (they were very protcetive and wanted to make sure we got home safe) so i called an no one answered which i thought was really strange cause someone always answers because they are always home. so i just figured maybe they were outside so i went back to sleep. we got at about 4:30pm that day and we were unpacking the truck and my dad had to go to the bank and stuff. during the time my dad was at the bank and me and my mom were unpacking my grandma called. she sounded really upset which is unusaul (unless you talk about germany cause she was born in the 30s or 40s so the wars scared her) then she asked for my mom which she dosent normaly do ethier (she liked me more ;) ) so i gave the phone to my mom and they started talking. when they started talking my mom just walked to her bedroom and shut the door. i knew that wasent a good sign. i knew wat happend before she even told me i was already crying. i stood there and said this wasemt happening cause i didnt wanna belive it. my mom came out and said my grandpa died at 4pm.so my dad drove all the way back down that night. what had happend is he had a heart condition and he had a pace maker in is heart (it pretty much shocks your heart to keep you alive when you have a heart attack) and he was up on a ladder trying to fix his tv intena when..... he slipped and he feel on his ford ranger (utv) right on his heart infront of my grandma (who to this day is still alive) and told my grandma to go call an ambulance and by the time she got down the hill to call he was dead. its so hard because he was there for me for everything. he was an amazing guy and hilariouse and he met the world to me! they say over time it gets easier when really it dosent it gets harder and harder. he alwasy promised that if he was alive he would go to my graduation. he didnt make it. R.I.P grandpa i love you so much!

depression-anxeity-not enough

i feel so alone alot. i have depression. i have anxeity attacks. im not popular. i dont have alot of friends. an it seems that no matter what i do its not enough. i lay and scream an cry an the feelings never go away. i think about every thing that i have ever done wrong. i cry myself to sleep. im in the bathroom getting sick from crying. all i want to see is the light at the end of the tunnel. the one that shows everything will be ok. i cant talk to anyone because nobody understands what i go through. im a recovering cutter. its so hard sometimes. its the only thing that could take my pain away for that moment. i just wanna know what it feels like to be normal with a normal life but thats hard because every little thing worries me. if i go out an try to do something i have to go home because being around a large mass of people bothers me. i dont fit in because i was always told to be me. an it turns out me isnt what the world likes so i have no best friends or people walking down the street saying hey. im just so confused, exahusted, tired of anxeity attacks, an i just dont know what to do.

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