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my story

June 25th, 2011

Over the past 3 days, I have gotten out of bed only to use the bathroom and to visit the fridge. I sleep most of the day, and when I am awake I watch old seasons of the office and family guy on my little box tv in my room. The thought of leaving my room seems like a daunting and overwhelming task now. I am an intelligent, pretty and compassionate 20 year old living in south carolina..and I have ruined my life.

I have struggled with depression for 5 years now. I grew up in a christian, homeschooled family- my dad is a deacon at the church and my mother is the childrens' minister. For a long time my parents didn't know how to help me.. they thought I was being self-focused and a bad christian.. they just didn't understand at first. But after 3 years of high school I was accepted into college- I thought it was my chance to shine, to make my life what I wanted it to be.

In the past 2 months, all of my friends want nothing to do with me, my boyfriend left me, I lost my job and a doctor visit alerted me to the fact that I have an STD that will stay with me for the rest of my life. I dropped out of college because I was too depressed to get to class.

I am a disapointment to everyone, I feel. I am incredibly embarassed and ashamed of myself. I'm scared. I have no one to talk to and my only company is a tiny gray kitten my roomate brought home 2 weeks ago. I was a theatre major, and I would love to start writing plays again.. but I'm just so sure I will fail that I can't even get up the courage to try. I know I have responsibilities- i need to find a new job, maybe try to get back into school in the fall, and make new friends.. but it's just too much and I feel like I just don't have the strength. I feel so incredibly sorry, and even guilty for not ending my own life. I feel so lazy and selfish for allowing myself to be a burden on my parents and roomates.

I can't stop shaking, biting my nails and pulling out my hair. i need help but it's all so expensive. i don't just want attention. I am not a drama queen. I am not lazy or stupid or crazy.. I'm just a homeschooled girl from the suburbs lost in the big city. I would do anything for a fresh start



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