I didn't go to school yesterday. I didn't have the energy to get out of bed. I've been taking pills that my doctor prescribed me but I don't think they are working. I don't feel any different, and when I tell him that he just ups the dosage saying that all antidepressants are pretty much the same and he wants to stay on the same drugs. I don't know. I just don't feel any differences. My family is pretty used to this by now, after all I skipped a hole year because of it. I do try, it just never seems to work. I want my family to take me seriously, but I don't think they do. When I tell them that I don't think the drugs are working they just tell me to keep on taking them because they take time to work. Don't they think I know this already. I've been taking these pills for about 5 months now, don't you think I would have felt at least a little different.

My mind keeps jumping to the fact that I want a new puppy. A Newfoundland, to be exact. I love the dog and always wanted one. My parents say that I'm not ready to own a dog, plus the fact that I'm living with them and my mom doesn't want another one equals me not getting one. At least not right now. I can understand my mom not wanting another dog seeing as how she isn't a dog person in the first place, but I can't agree with me not being ready to own a dog. I grew up with dogs my whole life. I never had a day go by when I was with out one. I think I know a thing or two about them. I don't think that my parents, or the rest of my family for that matter, really understand my need for this dog. I need something to take care of and love, and be taken care of and loved in return. A bond with a dog and his/her owner is like no other, the dog would literally do anything for their owner and the same goes reversed. I need that reason to keep me going, for a reason to get out of bed, for focusing my mind on something other than myself.

Ok, so this is my first blog. I don't really know what I'm doing here, all I know is that I need a way to write my thoughts down and have some feedback. The fact that it's anonymous is even better. I'm not a very trusting person and I have no one to talk to because of it. I find my escape through my music, whether I'm listening or playing the piano. I also started the guitar so at least I have something to look forward to in the day when everything just seems to slow down and becomes too much.

It's my dad's birthday tomorrow and my family is coming over for the party. On one hand, I want to see them, but on the other I just want to stay in bed, in my own little world.  Of course I don't have a choice in the matter so it doesn't matter what I want or not. It's also my dad's 50th and I was planing to draw him a picture. It's another thing that I can find escape through and my dad has always been a fan. Unfortunately, I haven't been in the mood to draw, so I thought of just giving him a rain check or something.

I can't stop my mind from going from one subject to another. It's always racing, which is one of the main reasons why I have trouble getting to sleep. This explains why I'm up at 2:43 am writing this blog.  It's also another reason why I  started writing this. I want to be able to manage my thought process. I don't know if it's going to work but it's worth a try.