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My First Post

March 18th, 2010

I have thought about starting a blog for awhile, but assumed it would be business related, however, here I am starting a blog on a depression site instead. Why? Not sure, but after 30+ years with depression, 'talking' on the internet to myself and whomever might care to read seems far easier than talking to any friends or family or a random therapist I might find.  I have always found it easiest to express myself in writing so maybe this new way of dealing with my current bout of depression will be helpful. There is always hope. And besides, this current state of depression seems very different from the old friend I have learned to live with for so many years.  Many of my other depressions have been deep and tortured, filled with excess sleep, guilt, shame, feelings of worthlessness, and yes here and there thoughts or feeble attempts at suicide. Not this one.  The other ones often have followed mistakes I have made in my personal life or too much consumption of alchohol for too many days , physical illness, or on rare occasions real life tragic events that trigger 'normal' depression or what I like to think of as run of the mill depression of the general public.  Not this one.  Comparatively, this depression seems mild, but I think mild is the wrong word. What it seems is more scary, because I can get up, I can work, I can do most of the things I usually enjoy...but there is no feeling, no emotion almost at all.  I have tinkered with my antidepressant dosage (20+ years on them gives you a license to do so I think) with no help. Less Cymbalta, just irritable (at everything it seems) more Cymbalta, just sleepy and back to no emotion at all.  Disappointing really, because this latest drug seemed to have been working pretty well for the last year or so.  Anyhow, no emotion, a little tired, more than willing to sleep alot when time allows. No real problems, job good, good money, child happy and doing well, husband the same as always, horse performing well, above expectations actually. But no joy. Nothing. So that's why I decided to write. Because this is different and new and scarier then the old friend I know and I don't know how much longer it will last or where it will go.


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