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My first blog so I'm a little nervous.

Sorry for my spelling, gramma and all the rest.

So I've had depression for such a long time now it really has become part of me. Every day is a struggle and no matter how much I wish it would go away and let me live a normal life, it never does and probably never will.
The medication my Dr put me on just gives me really bad headaches which of course makes my mood worse (help is never needed) but I have my ways of dealing with it and although they might not be the best, I'm still alive so they can't be too bad.

At about 13 I noticed I was down far more than I should of been, at first I put it down to becoming a teenager but as the months past and the self harming got worse I knew I had depression. At the time I had a hamster, Snikey, he was my whole life... I had "friends" but none of them really cared about me. Snikey did though, he needed me to stay alive so he could. Then when I was 15 he died and my whole life crumbled, never had I felt more alone. My arms and legs paid the price for it...

Things only got worse from that point, being Ginger and having to wear glasses I've always been given a hard time by bullies, but they mustn't of realised what their words were doing to me, "Go away Kirsty, no one even likes you here" I remember so clearly the pain that sored through me, I cried myself to sleep for a week because I suppose it was actually true, who'd like me. I'm not pretty, thin, funny, talented etc.

As a child I was sexually abused for years and years and I guess thats the reason for my illness, but even now 6 safe years later it plays on my mind every single day. But what really hurt the most was when I told my mom, yes she of course believed me but just a few short hours later she rang my abuser(her nephew) and was talking to him like everything was ok. This tore me apart. I ran straight to my razor and sliced and sliced and sliced, my arms are filled with horried scars and have been for many years but its my escape and the only way I can deal with all this pain and the voices, oh god the voices they never leave me alone.

Recently though I have gone almost two months with out self harming (yay)
thats a record for me. I would love to say it makes me feel better about everything but it doesn't and I know I could snap at any minute but I'm trying so hard. Now at 19 I feel I have enough knowledge of Depression to know that I'm not alone and millions of people go through pretty much what I do, I suppose in a selfish way this helps as I know its not just me hating myself so badly I could top myself with out a second thought...

I won't let depression ruin my life though.

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