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2
Sep

I don't know shit

Drink to think a little more and store all the bad feels that don't heel wither but just bore with all attempts to exempt them from existence. But there persistence runs on through you and this fuckin mark on the back of my neck feels like a mistake just like this stupid hair do I have. I want to cut it off and just block out that patch of skin forever.

I want it to rain forever. Just so I feel like me and God are on the same page. This rage. But I'm forgetting of when it shines and everythings more than fine because I have a good idea of what to do with myself and what to make of the world and all sorts of positive things I can do and will and do do but in these moments sitting waiting for that feel again I just don't. And maybe this is more than I realize but it feels like much less. Just words lingering over my dying underlying derivative of all the pointless and failing curve functions of my life.

A friend told me the other day to "Let it Blossom"  and now I feel I have to do much more than watch the plant. I need to let it get light and water it sometimes and that there's much my careless ass isn't doing to help myself, but maybe this is. And I just want to feel some consistency to myself where there isn't and all my friends are building there lifes and I still have no idea how mines coming together and I'm just soo fucking afraid that it just won't and I'll keep forgetting to water and give it light and I just might wither away in the gutters with the rest of those wasting their time. But who knows maybe I'll still end up somewhere right. Someone told me to be myself and I told them (in my head) that person a fucking idiot. That maybe I should be someone else. But I don't know.

I don't know shit.  I'm too forgetful.

Knaiv

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22
Jan

Hi

Hi, I guess for now I'm going by the name knaiv because I very much believe that whatever my situation and my outlook on it is, I'll always be ignorant of something that could change my mind. So I'm always naive so much so I've even spelt the word wrong haha. And I guess no matter what's happening in my life I always get the sense that the major thing that changes is if I'm looking forawrd to life and feeling hopeful or being negative and pessimistic towards it. For me it comes in waves much like a rollercoaster. I guess I'm going to keep writing about how I feel and cope with depression. This is something I realized and tried to do today to help with the feeling and I hope it helps whoever reads this.

Depression feels like forgetfulness.

The tongue forgetting what foods taste good. ears of what sounds you liked. Forgetting your favourite colours and interests. Not wanting to do anything because nothing pulls you toward it. Forgetting you have friends that care about you. Retracting from the world because there's nothing out there for you. There's nothing anywhere for you. And the only thing you can do about it is lie down and rest because maybe tomorrow you'll feel better.
However comforting closing your eyes and lying down for hours is it still won't help you remember all the good things you use to experience. You have to keep trying something, however uncomfortable and unnatural the motions are or you'll just be stuck. Hearing this from anyone else makes it feel like they don't know the feeling. You don't need to take their advice although your friends are always there to help. You need to take your own advice.

What do you hope for?
What choices will you make so that it happens?
What's your first step?

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