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Depression/Anxiety Blog

My First Post...

Hello! I am not sure where to start... The title of my blog really says it all at this point. Right now, I THINK I am "Kris", but strangers call me "Kristen" and people who have known me my whole life call me "Kristy". I am going to turn 42 this year and have no idea of what acomplishments I have made to this point and if I have enough life left in me to have any in the future.

When I was a "kid", I always expected to have a family and even wanted to, be a teacher. I have a natural patience with kids and was a very successful babysitter. When I was in my twenties, I tried so hard to NOT get pregnant until I found "the right man, the right time, the right situation". My best friend and roommate at the time got pregnant and we went through that together when we were only 21. It was amazing but scary as hell. When I was turning 30, I insisted that I HAD to be married. I married my boyfriend of 2+ years and we started a "married life". I always qualified our relationship by saying "opposites attract"! But that is another blog... When we decided it was time to have a baby, I was 32. I stopped taking the pill and we started trying. By the time I was 34 we were at the specialists trying to figure out why I wasn't pregnant. Much to my husbands DELIGHT, his sperm count was "above average". but in my mind, it was just another thing that was WRONG WITH ME. He didn't get it. We tried some options to help things along, but the doomed relationship died a normal death and we were divorced when I was 36. After years of bugging my OB/GYN to figure out what was wrong - two periods a year?? - at 40 it was determined that I had early onset menopause that had probably started around 34... now at almost 42 I have not had a period in two years. Some of you may say "Whoo Hoo!", but to me it is another personal failure.

On the career front, I insisted on going out into the world to work and be independent at 17. Turned down mom & dad's offer to send me to college and moved out with my then boyfriend. I fell into accounting work and turned out to be pretty good at it. I added tax preparation about 10 years ago and make a pretty good living. Do I LOVE what I do? F-No! I do not believe that getting a college degree is a guarantee to a good career, but now at 42, trying to "go back to school" I feel like an idiot. Having gone to college back then, would have allowed me to be a kid a little longer and I could have ended up starting a career I LOVED. 20 Years ago. When I was young and had energy. I am scared that my brain no longer has the ability to study and RETAIN information. I have ONE class right now that I will have to study for and take tests... one week in and my anxiety is through the roof.

I think the depression started after my marriage and motherhood failed. I am not sure if I "always" had it, but was too busy trying to find the perfect man in my twenties to notice. I do not ever say I would "take it back" because I do believe that my life's experiences have brought me to my current family and friends - I could not live without - But it's the "What If?" syndrome that keeps me awake at night. Stress over a job I hate makes me tired and unhappy, feeling too old amongst 20 yr olds in school, I DO NOT want to still be feeling this way in 10 years when I am 52!

Please share with me your stories of "late in life" successes and help me to feel hope that it can be done... I sincerely hope that I will be sucessful in my current journey and maybe I can inspire YOU! I really want to find out what "KRIS" is capable of!

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