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Initial blog

AHh where do I even begin...from the beginning I guess.  I'm a 23 year old woman who has the whole world in front of her..or so it seems. My feelings began to darken around my 15th birthday, my mums behaviour begun to spiral out of control, I personally believe my mother is an undiagnosed bi-polar sufferer, yet she would beg to differ;

My father exited my life when I was 8 years old, my parents having had an arranged marriage decided to call it quits after 12 years of marriage and 3 children...shortly after announcing the divorce my father decided to pack up and move States...i remember sitting at the front door for days on end, crying, praying, begging for his return but sadly he never returned. I was not the same girl from this day forward, I was a broken little girl who so badly wanted her daddy to pick her up and save her from the impending years to come with her mothers irrational behaviour.

As the years went by my mother began to become more & more suspicious of my every day actions. I was an 17 year old girl, studying full time as well as working, I didn't drink, smoke, take drugs, or do anything boyfriend related for fear of my mothers disapproval..it's amazing what an abundance of fear can do to an adolescent. It seemed no matter what I did it did not please my mother, I was constantly told to "do better", that I was "hopeless" that I was "lieing", every time I would spend time with my friends it would end up in a huge argument. After a testing year I decided to isolate myself in hope of seeking my mothers approval, I began to lose alof of my friends and found myself drowning. I turned to eating as a coping mechanism, I would eat myself sick as it was the only thing I felt I had control over. After months of this I gained a lot of weight and began to feel more depressed about myself, not only mentally but physically now.

Shortly after I found myself in an aggressive/possessive/smothering relationship (God I'm stupid sometimes) funnily enough this was the one thing my mother finally approved of...my ex boyfriends fake exterior that is! He fit the criteria externally; educated, working full time, moderate-high income, respectable family, kind natured (bullshit) but behind closed doors he was an obsessive sociopath! I knew I needed to end things so finally after 4 years he did me the favour & left me. What a blessing in disguise!

Last year was the best/worst year of my life. My father contacted me after 12 years and told me he had been diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer and he had 12 months to live. As you could imagine I was extremely overwhelmed, I did not know what to think nor feel, I was practically numb. After weeks of sleepless nights, I chose to see my father, much to my mothers disgust. I was angry at him, disgusted by him, hated him but I was doing this for myself, I needed to find peace. I needed to get to know that father I so often longed for...after months of him growing sicker & weaker, my heart softned for my dad...my feelings started to change & I found myself becoming attached...something I desperately dreaded. Sadly enough my dad passed, he lost his fight to cancer and here I Am left in the aftermath of emotions, my dad begged me for forgiveness before he passed and I gave it to him, not that I meant it entirely but I decided to set his soul free because no one should die with a broken heart. Since my fathers death I find myself having anxiety attacks on a daily basis, I find myself deeply depressed and drowning amongst other emotions but amidst it all is my saving grace; my soulmate who I met in my darkest hours, my bright light at the end of the tunnel. It is me now that is searching for that forgiveness, to ensure one day it is not I who dies of a broken heart longing for my daddy's prescence & mothers acceptance.

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