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Where to start...

This is just gonna be a brief summary of myself.

Im 18 and in college. I have a sister, two stepsisters, a mother, father, stepmother, and stepfather.

I have a boyfriend.

I work at least 20 hours a week during school, and 40 hours during breaks and the summer time.

I have had depression since I was 6 years old. I was diagnoised a year and half ago when I started to see a therapist. My father walked out on my sister and I when I was ten years old. I have never felt such a painful silence as when he walked out of the room. My sister started to beat me when I was 12 years old. This continued for three years. My mother and stepfather did nothing about it. I kept my silence about it until my sister attacked me in school one day. Once again I broke.

In high school, no one ever invited me anywhere. So i got a job just so i could have stories to tell at the luch table. I was 14 at the time. Though every night i would be sitting at home listening to the radio feeling lonely as you hear people call in from parties and hanging out with people. I never felt lonely.I tried to keep it together but it was hard.

Every day was just hard to get up and go to.I just wanted to feel wanted. I still dont know what i did to make people not want to be around me but it must be something.

During this time i dated a few guys none which meant anything to me. Until one guy came along.

He was something. Dashing and handsome. Funny and charming. I knew it when i saw him that i was going to have sex with him. I was drawn to him. Long story short. He became my first heartbreak. He went off to college and i was left trying to finish my senior year of high school.

While i was dating him some memories started to become uncovered about myself. I was sexually abused as a child. i still dont know by whom it was but it happened. I still dont know how to feel about it.

Well when he broke up with me it was two months into my senior year of high school. We only dated for a few months. But it was enough. I broke once again. Dam i do that a lot. This time thought was worse. I could shake off the feeling. I couldnt stop cryign for even a second. Heartbreak is such an odd type of pain. Five days after the break up a girl from my work wanted to cheer me up and go to the mall for a girls night.

Well i picked her up and eventually dropped her off. I just wasnt feeling like being out that night. I remember even crying as i was driving about how much i wanted to see a therapist and how much i wanted to die.

I was a brand new driver at the time. Long story short i ran my car into a pole. I will never know if it was an accident or on purpose, thought im sure it was an accident.

My family didnt know what to. So it is a common thought that i tried to kill myself. They had not seen anything yet. Over the next 5 months i had begun doing drugs, cutting myself, and drinking heavily. One day they caught me doing it.

I said if they wanted me to stop, i wanted to see a therapist. They finally agreed.

I have been seeing my therapist for a year and half now. She wanted me to get on an antidepressant right away but my parents they dont like them and never want me on one. I turned 18 almost 9 months ago. this meant that i could choose myself to get one if i wanted to. I chose yes. Finally a few days ago i got one. Im hoping things will change.

 

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