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Anorexia

Officialy

Soo here we are...Yesterday it was soo nice.. ;')

At first we met at school and we talked and we laugh and he was trying to ask me to be his girlfriend and he was soooooo cute and he kissed me one the cheek for the first time(i might kind of forced him but still)...And then we met again  after school somewere round 7?andd yeah at first he thought he saw me with a lot of guys and he didnt came to talk to me but yeah it wasnt me and i found him and yeahh i told him that i wasnt me and that  even if it was me he shoud come..and he told me that is too shy...and he wass soo cute i couldt stay mad on him.and yeahh we talk and we hug and he was really trying to ask me but it was too shy but at one point he did it:') and yeahh i said ofc yes and now he is my boyfriend and im so excited and i loveehimm so muchh and he is so cute :')

BUT.

There is one but...He kissed me and it was a long time since i kissed somone and im like what if he doesn't like me anymore cuz maybe i kiss bad or smth?and yeah i'm trying to think that you know it's okay but i almost kind of binged today...and im to ashaed to talk about this with my sister and my therapist and i dont know what to do...

Im trying to be like..you know it's okay a i'll gett better at this and yeah...but there is always that voice that it tells me he is telling you lies to not feel bad and that he is gonna leave you and then tell everybody about this and make me feel ashamed...and I'm soooo afraid  and scared..I mean he leeps teling me that he loves me and i'm afraid that if i'll believe it everything is gonna change and all the bad things will come back...

Okay so wow i just found the reason why i was binging...like in the last phrase ..and i just realise it...likee wow...idk...

i want to tell him about that..about the part that im scared to believe that he loves me...cuz maybe if ill doo everything is gonna became like how it was before..but i want to say it in person..I'm trying to be more ..idk..confident..noo..just to say what im feeling without hiding,,idk if it makes sense..but yeahh..

I think that's all for today...

Words hurts

Yesterday i show a picture of him to my bestfriend and she was like..'ewwww!'

I mean why is she soo mean?Words Hurts!Maybe she didn't say aanything about me but she said about him and through that she is telling me that i don't have good taste ,and she is made me think about it and that maybe she is right and maybe we dont 'match'..I hate when she is doing that!

Why can't she be supportive?Likee really?!She is my best friend she is suppost to support me and NOT always let me down right?She doesn't have to like him i only wanted her to say smthg..idk..that she is glad for me and not to make me feel bad!

What i should do?Now i remeber all the kind of awkward and not that good part  of me and him and i cant see the good ones!And i'm afraid that i might believe what she said...

And i just started to be kind of happy...and i was hoping that he might me my first love(i know it sound stupid)  and now i'm afraid that i might do something stupid and loose him..or maybe make him leave...

Just fine..

So things are kind of good now..it's been a while since i last binge..today i almost binged but it's okay..i'm okay..

Seph is still soo cute..but today idk i'm feeling that something happen or idk he has something...he is more not serious just not that sweet...i know.. my stupid things.But i'm worring cuz i don't even knwo if i have done something and he is gonna leave of smthg an di'm scared...

I mean we met today and everything it was fine and now idk what happen...i hope i will see him tonight,but is a bit hard..we are gonna be in different places and it is kind of far..but idk..i want to see him and talk more...and not only in the school..

Aghhhhhhhhh!WHATT HAPPEN?! I DONT UNDERSTAND!WHAT DID I DO WRONG?LIKEE..I REALLY DON'T GET IT!

I'M THINKING THAT THESE ALL MIGHT BE JUST IN MY MIND...BUT I DON'T THINK SOOO...

Anyway..i know that out there are alot of people with REALLY problems and i'm making this a REAALY big deal but i'm just trying to not destroy what i 'build' and i am trying to really enjoy it..

Just Can't Believe it

OMG OMG OMG!I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST DID!

He asked me if I have a crush on someone and I said yes and he told me that is a lucky guy and that he will support me and that he will be always here and if he made me cry he will be dead.And then I told him that he is my crush but i know that he wants to be single and I don't want to be awkward.. I really can't believe that i say it like really..If you will told me that i will do that like EVER I will say that your kidding me...I just don't want to regret anything and yeah i knew if i won't say it i will regret it..

Anw and then he was like omg omg i gonna die,i can't believe it,i don't know what to say,i'm so happy...and yeahh then..he told me that i'm his crush too and then just to be sure i told him that he doesn't have to say it back if  he doesn't feel the same...But then he told me that he liked from the moment when we started talking and that he usually is not shy and that he is like who cares,and fuck it but when he is around me he's getting so shy and like he want to hide andd yeahh..he is soooo cute and i just ajghjcdsaubaeb :')

And he keeps telling me a lot of sweeet thing and i just idk...

Finally

Saw him today...YES FINALLY and we FINALLY talked for like 1 minute because i had to go to class but he asked me if he can hug me and he was soo cutee ♥ and then he told me that we are gonna talk later but he didn't..and yeah..i was feeling guilty because i was thinking that maybe he was waiting for me to find him again...and that's okay i don't mind that i am almost always texting first like really i'm okay with that just i thought that i should wait for him to like come and talk to me..but no...

Anw it let me down a little and i didn't wanted to text hm..i was to ashamed..but then  he text me and he thank me for the hug and this kind of veryverycutedutethings..and yeahh..now i'm fine.

But i'm scared that we won't have what to talk about tommorow or whenever i will see him again..and yeah i a little scared...

I'm hoping that is gonna be fine and that is not gonna be awkward...

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