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even though you're gone you're still here

I just returned from a Exchange trip with my school to Italy. before I left, my grandma had to have surgery because her blatter dropped. she's been sick for 40+ years, so to me it was just another surgery to try to put her out of her misery and pain. I could tell my mom was under a lot of stress about it. she couldn't have the surgery because her lungs needed to be drained, so she had to have surgery to put a tube to drain her lungs. I thought everything was fine, but I could tell something wasn't right with my mom. as I was in italy, our teacher gave us a five minute calling card and I planned on using it to call my grandma. my boyfriend later had to inform me that she had passed the Monday that I had left. I had a feeling something like that was going to happen while I was gone, which is why I didn't want to attend the trip. my family didn't know that I knew so I had to fake a smile when I came home. I then had to watch my mom cry and tell me that she had passed. it still rally hasn't hit me that she's gone, but now I am on the way to her viewing and the funeral is tomorrow. see you in heaven Mama.

beautiful

to everyone having a bad day, I love you.  even though I don't know you, I care about you and I will keep you in my thoughts

to those having suicidal thoughts, don't. I know it's hard I've been down that road, but if you think no one cares, remember I do. I care. I believe you're a beautiful person and I will always care about you

to those of you that hate your love life and want to give up forever, I love you. move on and find a new person, or fight through the pain and find that love again.

to those who have suffered death or a loss of a loved one, everyone goes through that pain but everything will be okay. that beautiful person is in a better place watching over you, loving you, caring about you.

 

if anyone wants to talk please reach out to me. XOXO, Lo.

new beginning

yesterday was like a new beginning for us. we were together all day. we went to the aquarium, went to eat, went to your brothers choir performance, then watched movies and fell asleep together. in my opinion yesterday saved our relationship. it was like we forgot about all the fights and jealousy, and was just a happy couple. it was like it was just me and you against the world, like we were  a team. we were on cloud 9, but when we're on that cloud together I always feel so much closer to you. I feel like I have my love back. we went through a rough patch, but now that patch is over and I couldn't be happier. I love you peanut

it's the end

last night was the worst night of my life. I thought I had lost you because you said we need a break. I've been having cramps but I just had my period. I know I'm not pregnant. when I'm stressed I eat bad and that's all I've done lately. you put me down but I know I can't lose you. I don't want to just be another one of those girls who gets walked all over. I refuse to be like that because I will not be treated like the scum of the fucking bottom of your shoe.

talking hurts

last night we talked about how much it would suck it we lost each other. I brought up the heartbreak and tragedies of others when their loved ones died randomly and I told you I wouldn't know what I would do without you. I'm so attached and I don't know why, there is just something about that look in your eyes that captures me and doesn't want to release it's grip on me. no one looks at me the way you do or gives me that time of day. you've kept me off the verge of leaving this world again but you've also pushed me back to that dark place. I am ready to spend forever with you, I'm just scared you will find it too hard to stay with someone as hard headed as me. please don't leave, please stay forever

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