It is worse at night
It is definitely worse at night now. For a long while, maybe years, it's been difficult to go to sleep - and then impossible to get up. As long as I had one thing, one good thing to focus on, to look forward to, then I could get up. I could go on and smile and pretend - and obessess in my mind about that one good thing. There is no good thing anymore. Not one. Not really. It is eating me up.
I have been through death, divorce, mental decline and public humiliation in the last two years. No family left except those who can do without me. No real, true friend. I have run them all off. No lover or companion I can call my own.
I can't focus on my work or my responsibilities. I have responsibilites. Responsibilities keep me here and keep me going. But I'm slipping, and I know it. I want to go away. I want to be by my self in my pain. I don't know how to accomplish it. I hate the life I'm living, and there is no change in sight.