It is definitely worse at night now.  For a long while, maybe years, it's been difficult to go to sleep - and then impossible to get up.  As long as I had one thing, one good thing to focus on, to look forward to, then I could get up.  I could go on and smile and pretend - and obessess in my mind about that one good thing.  There is no good thing anymore. Not one. Not really.  It is eating me up.

I have been through death, divorce, mental decline and public humiliation in the last two years.  No family left except those who can do without me.  No real, true friend.  I have run them all off.  No lover or companion I can call my own.

I can't focus on my work or my responsibilities. I have responsibilites.  Responsibilities keep me here and keep me going.  But I'm slipping, and I know it. I want to go away. I want to be by my self in my pain.  I don't know how to accomplish it. I hate the life I'm living, and there is no change in sight.