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#82

I've been in such a horrible mood today. I hate feeling as if nothing is right; or even if it feels right for perhaps a minute, or an hour, then starts to feel bad again.

Of course I'm pelased to have my laptop back, although I still don't know how I'm going to pay back the money for the repairs. And there's so much that needs to be sorted out on it. Yet nothing can be working and correct at the same time- the boiler is broken and therefore there's no heating or hot water. I wish so badly I could be at James's, hiding away from the world. Nothing makes sense without him.

I'm still at that crossroads and point of uncertainty about us. In my head, I want to be with him, without a doubt. Yet I don't think he's at that same place. There's so much I don't know about his life, and of course him about mine, but I feel like I'm this small section on the side that he's not ready to let in properly yet. Of course I completely respect that, and it's just me being crazy obsessed that I want to see him all the time. It really is just because I'm so unused to having somebody I like so close by. I don't know what the correct protocol or behaviours are in regards to seeing each other.

I feel as if I've just painted a picture of confusion, which is entirely inaccurate. I know exactly where I stand with him, and I know that if it was to end now, it would be because he changed his mind and therefore I guess he wasn't worth it.

The next week holds so much uncertainty and a change of direction. I'm being forced to start this college course, and it's yet another week into my and James's 'relationship' where I wonder what's going to happen. However, I know I have to get through it the best way I can. I must take everything within my stride, and remain cool, calm and collected. If I start to show signs of clinginess, or weakness, I will have to pay for it in the worst way, and I don't want to push him away, I want and need him to be closer than ever.

I have to do this right.

#81

My life needs to change drastically. I can't carry on existing in this way, I want, and need, something better.

The catalyst has been the deteriorating state of my laptop. My one main source where I felt connected to everything, albeit in an extremely false way. Watching it fail and collapse in front of my very eyes, seemed like a reflection on my life. Not being able to fix something from breaking, seeing a virus infiltrate the system and consequently breaking the hard drive down. It seemed like an apt metaphor for my current state.

I'm worrying about James. I feel so helpless when he's not around. I can't work out if that's a good or bad thing. I just miss him so much when we're apart, and I don't want him to get into trouble or have anything happen to him. I hope I can hear from him tomorrow.

From tomorrow morning, I'm going to start making productive changes. I know I'll figure out how to do it, I know I'll be shown the way.

#80

Sometimes I wonder if I should tell somebody exactly what happened on that night. From start to finish. Every single detail. Because I've never said it out loud before. I see everything, I see it all every single day, over and over, but actually saying it...I can't do it.

When I told my friends, I left out so much because I just couldn't bring myself to say things out loud. My mouth physically couldn't form the words. I got close with Tom, but again, I just couldn't do it properly. Talking about what happened makes it feel like it was yesterday, and not last year, 8 months ago.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to trust anybody enough to tell them everything. To open myself up properly. James is someone who I think I could learn to; and that scares me. Mostly because I don't know if he's going to stick around. I don't know what's going to happen with us and I can't start to feel that trust with someone only for it to be taken away again. Like with Tom. I felt as if I could tell Tom anything; and I did, most of the time. After how badly that all ended, having that type of trust and relationship with somebody terrifies me.

 

#79

It's still so hard to keep up with the changes. Nicky is such a different person now, and it's difficult to accept that. I know that if I didn't though, I'd lose her altogether. I'd rather keep a piece of her, than nothing at all.

I've never had a situation like I have with James before. Where it's easy. We go out on proper dates. I miss him when he's not around. Although, I've become quite used to not speaking to him every second of the day like I used to be so insistant upon...it works better. There's more to talk about I guess, is one thing. I just feel so content, and I want him in my life for the forseeable future. I think he feels the same way.

Verity has this tendancy to make me feel pretty shit about myself, and sends my BDD into overdrive. She compares our body shapes constantly, yet whereas she is tall and stocky, I'm petite and curvy. It's happened before when she told me a t-shirt she had wouldn't fit me, because it didn't fit her- but it did. She makes a few comments about 'flattering' angles or whatever that to me are so see-through. Then today, showing me pictures of a girl who I apparently look like. She was unattractive, bigger than me, and completely different. Yet it's played on my mind so much because I then I start to over-analyze and think maybe I do look like her? It's so difficult trying to understand images, and trying to understand my reflection. At least with James, I don't have to question myself. As soon as he holds my hand and doesn't let go of it, I feel calm, and less self-conscious.

#78

I've been exhausted today for no apparent reason. I can't wait for sleep, yet as usual, I await Monday morning with an anxious feeling in my stomach. That feeling isn't just reserved for the employed and the start of yet another working week; it's probably even worse for the unemployed. It's another week of battling, trying, banging my head against a brick wall. However, I feel a little positive as I reviewed my CV earlier for the first time in a few months and tweaked it.

I'm determined to have a positive week. I don't want to be consumed by James, yet of course I still want to see him. I saw Vicky in town on Saturday, and she was so nice to me. I was surprised she even acknowledged me, and I appreciated her talking to me. She said she was really pleased that he'd met a nice girl for once. I want to make this work, and I want to make sure it's right.

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