I hate myself soo much I can't stand it I just wish I would die

i don't have any reals friend the ones I have we all make fun of eachother really badly and sometimes I cant take it cuz I'm a bitch. So now I spend most of my time inosed I only go out if I need to or to see my girlfriend, which I'm surprised I even have. And since I don't leave my house n socialize I just stay inside the house and smoke weed. I've felt like this since I was a kid so none of this is new to me. Sometimes I wanna kill myself soo fuckin badly I get everything ready and I can't do it every time I pussy out and I hate it I don't wanna live anymore  I only feel alive when I'm high and when I'm not it's like I'm a zombie. If anyone reads this which I'm so sure no one will just know that I'm worthless