I'm not sure what to do anymore. its like everyday is just one tick from a timebomb. i'm sick of being angry. I'm sick of being hurt. I am over this constant feeling.

my medication doesnt work and now i have to try to talk to my doctor haha --> like thats going to happen.

part of me wants my psychologist back but the rest of me is telling me to stay the hell away. no one understands. its not just depression, it never has been, and never will be. there is so much more to my problem than that.

avoidant --> I can't get close to people
paranoid --> those that I let get close will just leave me
schizoid --> I'm a zombie... I am numb
antisocial --> an outcome of the rest of it all
borderline --> i can never possibly be emotionally stable but I wish I could
dependent --> i need someone there for me

its funny though how these issues combine within me. 'dependant' says that I need someone to talk to, someone to look after me, yet 'avoidant' says 'no way man. you arent talking to them. 'Paranoid' tells me that if someone fights through 'avoidant' then they will just leave me. as a result of the inner turmoil i have become a 'depressed' 'schizoid' with borderline personality disorder.

its no wonder really that no one wants to be close to me. its no surprise that no one has, does, or will ever love me. i just dont belong.

... if my housemate found this site (my last refuge from the judging eyes of the people I know) he would kill me...

lets keep this as our little secret, shall we.

seriously though, is there anybody out there, because your all that i've got.

"you know you can come to me, right?"

what a pointless line with an unanswerable question behind it. when he asks tells me this all I want to do is curl up next to him and blurt out every little stupid thing that was wrong with me, to bawl my eyes out and tell him the reasons behind my fucked up self. i wish i could. i really wish that I could.

but i cant

i just have to rub my face and pretend not to want to cry while walking away from him. no-one can understand this pain, no matter how hard I want to break down there is this constant shield. Its not just my depression that has destroyed my life, nope, one couldnt be so lucky. Its a simple recipe really

2 cup depression
1.5 cup avoidant personality
1 paranoia
6 tb borderline
4 tb antisocial
3 tb schizotypal

Mix ingrediants roughly and toss into one messed up child, top with bullying and there you have it, one totally fucked up person with no hope of ever getting out of it.

my depression can be traced back to year 5 (of course there were issues before that though), now, to me that seems so long ago. I struggled through middle school and into high school and got even more messed up, now that I'm in Uni its just getting worse. I only had one or two friends and of them only one that I would tell almost everything to. Of course moving from the small rural town on the coast of South Australia and into the 'big smoke' that is Adelaide, I left that one friend. I only see her once a week, if I'm lucky, most of my time is spent either at Uni surrounded by people that I neither know nor are able to talk to, sitting in my unit alone, walking around the streets of adelaide or being with my house mate - the brother of my closest friend and a good friend to me. the problem with my house mate is that he always knows how to make me feel like shit - its not that he's a bad person, in fact he is amazing to be around, which is the problem. we had a history that went a little pear-shaped and now, me being me, I'm living with him. He blames himself for my depression so I try to hide it from him because I dont want to hurt him but then - of course - I just feel worse. I might go into the history at a later point, but basically, we both messed up.

so the point is that in Adelaide I am all alone. I have one friend - my housemate - that I only see at night (because some people in Adelaide DO actually have friends / a social life) and I am surrounded by 1.2 million strangers.

this emotional and physical isolation is really playing with my already messed up head. I am constantly hating myself - mostly because I have a ridiculously lacking set of social skills. I am constantly angry and constantly tired.

TIRED OF EVERYTHING

TIRED OF LIVING LIKE THIS

i know that you (if indeed there is anyone out there reading my trash) dont understand my problems, my shadows but I assure you, I have problems and within a few days (or weeks depending upon my bravery) you may understand a little better.

What you have to understand about me is that I am messed up. I've had depression from a young age and it all started with bullying - typical i guess - but truth be told, I dont think I was ever 'normal'. I never really had friends, I was a loner, but I learned quickly that getting close to people just got you hurt. All humans are good for is destroying. Destroying a persons happiness, their soul, their very being until there is nothing left.

You can't trust people - there it is, plain and simple.

I've had depression for almost 10 years, and considering I'm only 18, well, thats most of my life... arent I just so lucky.

the hardest part for me is the fact that my depression is combined with anxiety, combined with avaidant personality disorder combined with who knows what else.

Basically, I am severely depressed 24/7. I can't talk about it, I cant let people near me to talk to about it - thats if I could talk about it - and I am seriously uncomfortable when people touch me. I have built so many walls around my shattered existance that I could never break through them.

THANKS A LOT HUMANITY

-- well I'm sorry if I dont fit the mold --