Initial psych eval went well.  I LOVE hearing how I'm exhibiting more than the 5 signs needed to diagnose clinical depression yet again, but at least we're working on a meds changeup (hooray!).

The bummer of the whole thing is that after spending hours to find a psychiatrist on my insurance plan with therapists within the same office, turns out none of the therapists in the office take my insurance.  Figures, right?  So from a theraputic perspective, I'm still at square one (not zero, because I have decided a therapist could help maybe).  And who knows, maybe I can find someone closer, since the drive to the iatrist's office is a good 30-45 minutes.

I feel like I can breathe a sigh of relief finally because I have found a provider who actually believes that there will be days that I need to be able to take care of me and not worry about work and is only too happy to help me get the protection I need to make sure I don't lose my job because of a really bad day. And I have an outstanding supervisor who pushed and pushed for me to find someone who believed the same thing because she could see how I suffer on those bad days.

it's nice to have a morning where i don't feel like the world is crushing in on me and that i might be able to have a decent day.  i know the day is still young and that could change at any moment, but it is nice to feel a glimmer of daylight.

So for the last 6 1/2 months now, I've been trying to convince myself that I'm doing better. that I'm getting back to "normal" (whatever that is.)  I've taken various doses of meds and started taking sleeping pills because I can't seem to fall asleep at night. I've pretended and pushed myself thru days that I just wanted to spend curled up in a dark corner with my eyes closed. And then there are days that I don't even have the energy to pretend or push or try to ignore the engulfing blackness that seems to surround me at all.  I've felt such overwhelming support from everyone around me and I don't know how to use that to make myself feel better.

Not that every day is bad, mind you.  I have days when I see a shadow of myself enjoying a moment here and there.  A hug and a kiss from my daughter followed by a "Thank you Mommy, I love you" A big smile and kiss from one of the pups followed by them climbing into my lap. The random "I love you" text from that special someone special. Family and friends reaching out to let me know they care.  If only I could see the magic in those items every day.

So. I'm trying to take the brave road.  I'm venturing outside of my comfort zone.  I have started this blog, and tomorrow I have an appointment with a psychiatrist (vs my family doctor) who does not only medication management but also has various therapy options within the practice. So here's me, someone that doesn't deal well with new/different stressful types of situations; branching out, reaching out for help in hopes that I can find the rainbow thru the storm clouds.  It would be a start at least.