Ok, so this is day 2 of blogging and I'm still not sure how it goes.

Last night went really badly... i couldn't get to sleep for a very long time which is unusual since i sleep too much most of the time. I had this pain in my chest, like a hollow feeling I just couldn't get rid of. It was horrible. I woke up this morning and felt bitter about last night. All I wanted to do was run back into the face of my "friend" and slap him and yell at him at the top of my lungs.  How could he call himself my friend when all he and everyone associated with him do is manipulate and cause high school drama!! They play games with each other. Every month one of the 4 is in a fight with another one, and no body ever appologizes, they just hold it inside and move on until they can use it as fuel for another burning. I feel so betrayed all the time by them, they manipulate and backstab and gossip like a pre-teen drama! I can't handle it anymore! All I want to do is hit them until they finally get it in their skulls that they don't understand the meaning of friendship!

The problem is though, that over the course of 2 years they had become the only friends I have. Because of a gossip leak I lost friendship with my best friend for 10 years and its not going to come back. All my other friends moved away after high school. So now I have no other friends except the ones who make me want to cut myself. Its not even that! They had integrated into my family so deep that they are considered to be a part of it. So, if I get upset at one of them, then my whole family comes down on me for being over-emotional and a drama queen.

I don't know how to deal with it, I know these relationships are unhealthy but I have no one else. If I break ties with them then my family will finally label me the black sheep. I am so lost, so alone. I can't seem to win no matter what I do. Even if I tell them and my family that the pain I feel causes me to seek help in therapy and that i mutulate myself to cope, they will just label that as attention seeking and yell at me at how selfish I am being.  They will only see it as a tool I use as part of the manipulation game they all play and scold me for it.

I can't win... even If I commit the ultimate sin, I won't win. They'll never understand me, they'll never accept me. I miss my old friends who helped me, I miss my old life. I am being replaced in my own family by one of my so called "friends". They care for her more than me, treat her nicer than they treat me. She is more like them, more accepted then me, so why don't i just do the world a favor and take myself out of the equation? Because, my name will live in infamy as the selfish drama queen who through tantrums to get her own way. I might as well just move away, it will be the same thing. Even if I have them read this blog I'll only get yelled at or talked down to. There is no win, so I might as well quit before I lose too much...

I'm not sure how this works... but here i go

Today was another day. The evil sun woke me from the awesome dream and made me get up and live. I played a game with my BF, trying to feel better than I did last night... which was not very good. In fact it had to be one of the worst nights i have had in a very long time.  I know I scared him very badly last night. I would have scared myself too if I wasn't so consumed with self-loathing and hatred for my life... I feel so horrible afterwards to because he tries so hard and yet i still get very depressed. Sometimes i hate myself even more for not being happy with him all the time. Anyways, I slowly got better through the course of the day until I went to dinner with a mutual friend of my BF and I. As always I rant and vent too much for my own good, and it brought up a fight between friends a few weeks ago. Well, as always, I am portayed as in the wrong and over emotional, and a drama starter. So, at that point i stopped talking for the rest of the night and began to sink into the abyss as I had done last night.

Now, I am writing a blog about how I feel, hoping that some sort of response will be generated and that i can finally talk to someone who won't reduce my emotions to mere drama, or who i won't scare horribly.

Ugh, this sounds so pathetic really... I am here complaining about my life when it could be so much worse. I should be happy and pleasant but I just cannot find happiness.  I'm such a pathetic soul...