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Burning out

Here we are again.


Starting to wonder why Im bothering with improving my situation.  My life seems to have reverted to where I was over a decade ago and all I keep seeing in front of me is the same thing, over and over and over.
I really don't know if I can handle going through all of that again.  Ive been crashing lately and crashing hard.  I've been keeping a tight grip so I don't screw up what little progress Ive made but the enormity of the years ahead of me being little more than a rerun of the years behind is going to crack my sanity.


And now because ive been focussing on school and the little seed that serves as my professional life; everything else is starting to rupture around me thanks to the idiocy of people who are so short sighted, even their nose is beyond them.

I've heard it said that no man is an island; Im beginning to wonder if thats changed at all because im ready to try.  Nothing to socialize for, hopes for a family and so forth are a fools dream for me at this point.  And letting someone into my life is doing nothing short of inviting a lot of pain and suffering that I really am no longer equipped to deal with.

To make matters all the more frustrating, I've been banned from depression chat and Im not sure why, when or how to get ahold of someone to fix it.

And at this point, I just dont care anymore.



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Forward Rolling Backward Looking

June 11th, last time I posted...

Been awhile hasn't it?  I've had more bad days than good ones over the past few months and the bad days seem to pack extra punch.

Between us, I often wonder if Fate seems to take a deliberate offense to my trying to do something other then sit in a dark room and letting my mind stay blank. If I may, and with a warning it may be a trigger for you the reader, may sum up the past few months in a handful of points.

*Havent found work

*Single still (though I confess this is largely choice on my end).

*Dealing with custody of my son (while his mom and I have a fairly good relationship, Im now under fire from the rest of the family who arent up on the latest. Apparently its my fault that they dont keep in touch despite attempts to do so)

*Dealt with the passing of my grandmother which has caused a bloody hornets next of family drama which has added to the above point.

*Frantically trying to find an affordable place to live away from this house of misery and deliberate, willful indifference and self-absorbed activity.

These are the major actual events, not to forget things like anxiety attacks, panic attacks and assorted downs and blues that come of their own accord. But there has been some light in the fog of darkness. I get out more these days..

Enrolled in school to knock out the English classes I want to get that elusive grade 12 (I love the school, there are people up to the age of retirement taking classes, makes for some bizarre conversations). Signed up with some employment search agency who helps you find work for you without being an actual placement agency. They offer some courses for resume building (which I cheerfully admitted I needed desperate help with heheh) and for MS Office word, excel and so on courses which are basically fluff but come with some paperwork I can put on the new resume. Im familiar with most of it but im doing the full gamut as a challenge to myself..to date, Ive not disappointed myself and I assist the instructor with the others. Apparently Im a good teacher, people felt my absence on the one day I crashed and couldnt get out the door.
My relationship with my son and his mother has gotten to the point where I dont cringe when her number comes up and I'm writing stories again for the various table top rpg's I play.

I also mercilessly eliminated some trouble makers from my life (that purging will be done when I move out of this ****hole house) meaning the friends I talk to get the idea Im depressed, have my bad days and quite happily drag my sorry, depressed and cranky arse out the door (Im excused for bathing, homework and exhaustian if I've had a long day as my sleeping pattern is messy).

I even managed to be gifted a ticket to the first annual steampunk social, which has experienced something of a revival in the communities in which I am part and Im stoked to go.
Forgive the pun.

So yea, its been a few months and I'm trying to get a life of sorts back into place. Realized I've not been here and I feel it proper to at least drop a line here to the handful of people Ive met who may have wondered my fate. Theres more of course; far more but I will leave it its due that you understand the depression already and Ive chosen to glance over that for the moment. The months ahead and the effort to keep this tiny bit of momentum going will likely qualify as heroic, but seeing as i've already been through far, far worse..a few classes a week and a job search hardly qualifies as worth worrying over.

Until next time, fellow Traveler.

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Alright, been a little longer than I was expecting to get back here.

The past month or two has been busy, with little real reward. Having gotten into two arguments with my now former doctor, I've opted to go it alone in terms of depression therapy. While I do appreciate his assistance, the fact is you won't make progress if you're trying to hide from yourself, which I've been doing. Nothing severe or drastic, just trying to hold onto plans that don't make much sense anymore. Not that that's worked as planned but I'll get to that after.

Lets see, end of april/early may wasn't pleasent. Cash is absurdly tight (I'm soon to be off short term disability, which means I'll get even less) but I did manage to make it to our local sci-fi/fantasy fandom convention. Lot of faces I haven't seen in awhile and lot of faces I really needed to see. That weekend was the first in a very long time where my depression was a non-issue. There was some mellow moments sure, but they passed as quick as they came (the rains we had that weekend were the cause most of us agree as I wasn't the only one who was feeling down).

I took a few days after that to let myself sort of drift a little and to absorb the people I've begun talking to again. Several years of being a hermit has left me a little spooked by phone calls, email,s texts etc. In a rare moment of honesty, I admit it's sorely needed.

After that I began looking a little more earnestly for work. I've looked so hard I've been shot down alot more than I was expecting. The downside is its hurt quite a bit as I let my hopes rise with each application. The upside is it identified all the challenges I need to overcome such as lacking highschool graduation, a three year gap, out-dated skills (mostly technical but hey, progress waits for no man) and so on. This has lead to a frustrating situation where I need one course to "graduate" but the costs are either too high or I need to enroll fulltime to obtain student status for financial aid. As you may guess, my options are be a starving student or being a starving unemployed recovering depressive.

Ahh the hand life deals us.

Thats largely where I'm at right now with one additional issue in that I'm quitting smoking. Having been prescribed Champix, I'm not sure the medicine is worth the cure. I've had nicotine cravings in the past that were pleasent compared to the side-effects, but at least Im not worried about complications from any kind of antidepressant. Though the queasiness and odd taste of everything has lost its novelty. Don't get me wrong, its worth it for so many reasons (regaining physical stamina to play with my son at the park being #1 reason) but the trip is certainly a less then pleasent one. Another upside is it certainly gives you something new to brood on, so at least its a nice distraction from the depression.

Anyways, thats the catch up. Didn't mean to be in-absentia quite so long but these things happen.

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Healing the past with the pain of the future

Sometimes, when dealing with depression we're often confronted with past choices. Sometimes these haunt us daily, tormenting us over and over as we dwell and brood. Sometimes I think its better for it to be something minor than something that truly did shape our lives. Some event, or moment when a choice was made based on what we thought we knew or perhaps what we really did know. To accept these choices is difficult and as I've often said when we truly regret something we have learned something about ourselves.
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Silent Roads

Went for a walk last night.

Neighborhood I live in is not the best and I still haven't found a new apartment that suits my preferences for being closer to my son.  Amazing what you see when you just walk with no destination in mind.  People, some not exactly presentable, wandering around trying to survive, others trying to be menacing for fear of attracting trouble.  Police cars going by on occasion, their visible presence a reminder not to cause trouble.

I've spent alot of time lately letting my mind roam where it might.  Depression is a bizarre trap for me to be in and there really does need to be a point where it lets go long enough for a person to get a grip on their life again.  Seems like everytime I turn around, people are carrying on with their lives while I appear stuck in a rut so deep I can't even move.  I've been trying to force myself to go out.  Just pick an invitation and go and see what happens, without letting people pile up any of that "oh you need out and need to have fun nonsense".  The irony is that I just want to get out a little and see what happens, good or bad.  They seem more worried about having a good time than I am.

How the hell does that work?

The only problem I've discovered with going out again is how to do it without putting that old mask on.  I refer to it as the 'Showman' mask if only because I know all too well it helps to have one person at a gathering who can keep things upbeat, easy going with a faint dash of humour tossed in on occasion.  Its not a life of the party act by any means.  You get buried as deep as I did in responsibilities, in being the one people relied on to prop them up, in having to backseat your life that you eventually simply stop making yourself..well...you I guess.  I've had to drop so many 'dreams' because I no longer know who they belong to.   The day to day lives people live I'm just not able to empathize with anymore.  Which is fairly dangerous when you think that all the way to the end.  My disconnection was at first, I thought, just a mental mechanic to protect myself.

Now its standard procedure and I can't seem to get past that.  Sometimes on my roams I can almost catch a faint, ghost-like sense of the life I used to live.  If that doesn't make sense, think of it like having to be in silence to hear noise.  Tonight, being the day it is, will entail a few friends and acquaintances, having to 'catch up' what Ive been up to (a story I should justy record and playback) and put up with I'm hoping will at least make up for last years gathering.

I'm half-expecting to see my ex there, but I suppose my hope for a miracle had best be placed on a shelf in order to keep the poison away.  But thats a story for another day I suppose.  The dreams of old times are bad enough lately.


More later, possibly.


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