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A moment at a time

August 16th, 2010

I've been depressed for a long time.  This time seems to be worse, going on 7 weeks non-stop.  Nothing new to anyone on this blog site.  I thought I had it under control..kind of.  I've dealt with it by drinking.  I would escape by doing more harm to myself and my family.  I actually commited myself to a facility recently.  That was weird and foreign to me.  But I am willing to do whatever it takes.  It is really hard on my wife.  She is very strong and supports me so much but I feel horrible for her. 

I want to wake up and feel as I belong.  I have this deceptive feeling as though I don't belong socially, professionally.  I don't know why I feel insignificant.  I was reading other blogs and could relate so much. It's scary...why are our thoughts so damaging.  They are only thoughts.  I know it's all in my head and brain chemistry. But I still find it hard to deal with the smallest tasks.  I feel I've given up.  It's so hard to except that.  I can't even focus on work.  The thought is somewhat crippaling. 
I read all sorts of books and meditate but it isn't working the way it used to.  As I am writing this it makes me sick to my stomach that I can't cope.  Why is this so brutal, meds, therapy, talking to friends.  I want it to be over, not the friends of course.  I want to live my life.  I want to appreciate the air I breathe.  I want to take pleasure in the basics of life.  The basics are different for everyone.  I think we all want the same thing.  To crack a smile enjoy our families, friends, a movie, gardening, the sunset.   This is the first time I've reached out via the web and I hope to continue.  I know we can find something, one thing to get us up and moving towards what we are here to do.  God bless each and everyone of you and I will keep you all in my prayers.


 

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