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If you need a smile

Here is a glimpse into my life. My family has a warped sense of humour. Trust me it is our humour that has helped us get through tough times. I hope this helps you smile at the very least. I have been known to say the silliest things. Why I don't know. Here are some examples. Not sure when I will get there but once I get there I will have arrived. ( Really, how profound) I had forgotten my friend's daughter and my son were two years apart and i said that makes sense because even when they were kids they were two years apart (wow einsten material there lol) If i want to put fear into my kids i just say," oh dont't worry I put in a safe place". They have a reason to worry though. When my son was 8 I hid his Christmas present and at 16 he finally got his cute little plastic toy tool box set. I hid the kids easter candy and i found it in july. I was right nobody would think to look for it in the bookcase. A man called the house wanting to clean my heating ducts. I thought i was being cute and said i have no ducks. First time a salesman hung up on me. Now you can still have a humour during s serious crisis. I was recovering from a medical crisis and using a walker. My daughter called me speedy which made me laugh. One time we were walking and I was teasing her and she answered back "keep it up you old bat and you will have to find your own way home" Just then this woman walked by and gave my poor daughter this outraged look and i giggled and i said you are in trouble now lol and the woman realized everything was okay and laughed too. I told the woman its our way of dealing with this its all in fun really and she smiled and said we made her day. Even one smile or one good laugh is essential to your health. Depression is a condition yes but its not you. Try not to let it swallow all of you. I hope this helps someone out there.

Depression unique as a snowflake

Depression unique as a snowflake Depression is like a snowflake.  Each case as unique as the individual dealing with it. Perhaps this is the one of the many reasons why it is so difficult for the family and friends to understand depression.Depression suffers often hear the following comments:  "Snap out of it".  "you are so  negative".  "You want to be depressed".   "All you have to do is think positive and you will be fine".  In my opinion these comments don't help much.  If anything it adds more guilt and more feelings of unworthiness to an already fragile person. I don't think our family and friends say these comments to hurt us.  I think they are confused, hurt, scared and feeling helpless themselves.  I think they equating their bouts of sadness with clinical depression and thnk because they got over it you should to.  What they don't understand is we usually berate ourselves about that too.  Depression is so much more then that.  It may be helpful to think of depression as any other medical condition that can be managed. If you had diabetes for example you would take medication, eat properly, exercise and do whatever you could do to stay healthy.  Depression is the same way.  Sometimes medication is needed.  Sometimes counselling is needed .  Sometimes its a combinations of many things.  Being gentle with yourself is a must.  Depression is not a weakness.  It is not a lack of character.  It is a condtion that can be treated.  Depression is an invisable enemy.  Most of the time it is a fight that we fight alone.  Sometimes it is after going through some horrendous event in our lives.  Sometimes its  a chemical imbalance that snuck up on us. The chatroom here is very important.  The people know what it is like.  Even though they are struggling with their own trauma they still have empathy and compassion.  They still want to help others in pain.  I am no longer depressed.  But I still come to this room.  It has been my honour to meet so many incredible in one place.

I'll Just Wait

I'll Just Wait.

He refers to himself, as my husband

He  seems to know me, my favorite things.

I look into his eyes, and feel empty

I'm told yes, we are a couple,

I can't help but wonder why.

Sometimes I get a glimpse of a man,

a kind and a gentle soul.

then he is gone again where, did he go?

I'll just sit here quietly,  and wait

for the man I use to know .




This poem was written 3 months after  the night was admitted to the hospital.  I had several seizures.  Apparantly there was a few minutes when Ididn't  know who my boyfriend was and I was terrified of him.  At the hospital I was aware of what was going on but i couldn't talk.  Oddly, I was extremely calm.  I just let the events unfold because there wasn't a whole lot I could do about it.  I am fine now.  Actually I am better then fine.  That night changed me forever.  I liked who I was before but now I really like me.  I am not the same person.  I stand up for myself  now.  Sometimes I look in the mirror and think where the heck have you been all these years?  I still have bad days where my speech is slurred and walking is really bad. Those days makes me appreciate the good days even more.  One day I caught myself wondering what if that that confused state was  for the rest of my life.  Out of that came this poem.





Did You Know

Did you know?

 People treat you badly not because you deserve it. There are bad people in the world. During a tearful counselling session I told my counsellor that I still hadn’t figured out what I had done to deserve being abandoned at 8 months pregnant with my second child. He looked me straight in the eyes and said, “What makes it think it was you?” I hadn’t thought of that possibility before. He then went on to say something like, good things happen to bad people, bad things happen to good people. It is what you choose to do after the fact that determines your quality of life.

Did you know?

 Your best friend in the world is actually you. So you better start treating yourself a little better because there is no getting away from you. Can you imagine if you talked to a friend like you talked to yourself. Accept yourself as is, and tell yourself, “I am a work in progress.” Tell that negative voice replaying in your head to shut-up. Accepting yourself doesn’t mean this is as good as it gets. It means you have gotten to this point and now you are going to trust yourself to get a little further towards your dreams and goals whatever they may be. It doesn’t matter how long it takes. Truthfully the same amount time will pass whether you are reaching for your goals or not. I will be a year older next year regardless. So I will do everything in power to dream and obtain my goals.

Round Two

I had a severe bout of depression in 1996.  After 3 excruciating months I came through it and got my life back on track.  Those months consisted of sleepless nights, scaring my family and a sense of helplessness and hopelessness I never knew existed.

I have to confess though the fact that I won the battle with depression turned me into a mental health snob.  I figured if I could do it, anyone could.  You just got to want it bad enough.  What I didn’t realize until very recently, my  attitude was so wrong.  Depression is a condition that needs to be managed.  What works for me may not work for you.  Sometimes it’s a combination of things that works, not just one thing.  I urge anyone battling depression not to give up, keep looking for answers and try everything until your condition is managed.  Depression is not about character or about personal strength .

You may wondering why I came to the realization I was a mental health snob. In May of 2011 I went through round two of depression.  This time the depression was the sneaky kind.  I wasn’t sad or anything, I had positive thoughts etc.  I had a constant headache, no energy, couldn’t concentrate , no desire to be around people and I couldn’t sleep.  It was a quiet, dark, shadow in the background of my daily life.

The doctor put me on anti depressants and I was furious.  How dare he label me depressed when I’m not even sad?  I did trust my doctor and decided to take the medication anyway, and it turned out we were both right.  I was suffering from depression and also a medical condition that came to light within the early stages of being treated for the depression. 

I am doing great now.  I am still on the anti depressants for now. As hard as everything was, I wouldn’t change anything, it has made me who I am today.

And that is good enough for me.

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