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04.29.2013

Momentous dates

I know this isn't unique to me, it's something we all run into. It's still somewhat amazing the coincidences that occur, don't you think?

Like... My grandma died on my mom's birthday. My divorce was final on my grandma's birthday. My parent's divorce was final on MY birthday.

I also always liked the way we had a birthday every month for 5 months in my immediate family. September, October, November, December, January. Brother, dad, me, mom, sister. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Weird, the things that I like, eh?

04.29.2013

Wow!

Almost two years since I've been here. I didn't realize it'd been so long.

I'm still struggling with the depression but it's definitely taken a turn for the better. A year ago, I didn't even want to try to make a difference in it. I just wanted to be left alone to wallow. I didn't see any point in gaining hope, because I knew it would end up dashed. 6 months ago, I wanted to make a change but only so that I could be a better mother and a better friend and be functional enough to be an asset to the community. I wanted to try to be functional without actually feeling better. Because feeling better was just somewhere to fall from again.

And now. Now I see light at the end of the tunnel and it's not a train headed right for me. Meaning it's not a bad thing. I have hope and it doesn't have to mean that I'm just going to slam into the ground again. Maybe because...

I am finally admitting some things to myself. I've been in denial for a long time. It is very hard to admit these things, and I am making some backward moves at times but overall I do think I'm gaining ground.

[There was an interruption here as I drove my daughter to gymnastics. There was a fox traveling through the field next to the gym. So cool.]

So where was I? Oh, admitting stuff. I've had to admit that I have treated myself rather poorly over the last 30 years. That makes me ashamed, even though it was only ME that I treated so abominably. I've had to admit that maybe my sole purpose on this earth is not just to serve others and that maybe there were times I should have let others do for me, too. I'm starting to feel like I do matter and that my own needs and feelings should be taken into consideration sometimes. And God does that feel weird to say. I've always felt that I don't deserve the same as anyone else. The whole world comes before me, and even then it's really not necessary to take me into account. I'm just here to help where I can and to serve as best I'm able. Very strange to abandon a lifetime of those convictions. But I really, truly AM abandoning them.

05.31.2011

Leave.

I wish people would get it through their heads.  God I'm so angry. I get so frustrated because I want people to just understand that I am worthless and to leave me the hell alone. Stop trying to make me "see" how wonderful I am. I know who I am. And I don't deserve all the attention you're giving me. And you don't deserve the torment of knowing me.

Just. Stop.

05.16.2011

Swirly Brain

So besides the depression, there is also OCD. And the obsessive side has kicked in over the last few days in FULL FORCE! I've been busy working on making money/saving money. And I have another great idea for a website. By the time I ever get to it, someone else will be making a fortune with it. So many of the successful websites out there are doing what I had thought of years prior to their inception. I know I'm not alone in this. All of us have had a great idea (or twelve) that someone else runs with. At least we're having those great ideas, right?

I sometimes get so mired in self-pity that I barely move for days. I sometimes get so obsessed with something that I forget about everything else. Both of these lead to me not checking email for days/weeks/months at a time. Imagine my surprise when I checked my personal email today to find that someone had actually read my blog and commented on it. What a fun surprise! I would like to thank my single reader. And maybe stalk him. Okay, that's maybe not as funny as I first thought it was.

Back to my current obsession... money making. I missed out on a great thing today simply for lack of funds. I could have picked up 2 Segways (store returns) for $3500. They're selling on eBay at an average of $6093. If I'd listed them for $4000 each, they would have flown out of here and helped me pay next month's rent. The next great deal I will be prepared for. I'm slowly but surely building up some capital so I can snatch up these opportunities as they show up. Anyway. Like I said. Obsession. And I must go feed mine some more. Tra-la-la....

05.11.2011

Day 1 of my blogging. . .

And here I am. Wow! I have so much to say that I have no idea where to start. Hmmmm. Let's start with this. . .

I am keeping this blog first and foremost for myself. I find it helpful to put my swirling thoughts down on paper. (Cyber-paper, in this case.) It forces me to organize them and they slow down their bouncing and zooming in my head. Maybe it's that they start to watch to see which of them make it onto the page today? Ok, that's silly. But silly is good. Silly is a positive emotion.

SO MUCH has happened in the last 36 hours or so. One of the best things is finding the depression chat room. <---click on that to go there. I started the day yesterday as LostGirl in the chat room. I spent a lot of the day watching the conversation in the main room. Well, TRYING to - when there's 85 people in there it's hard to keep up! {LOL} And I had a few very good private chats with others in the room. As the day wore on and I came back into the room, I updated my nickname to NotSoLostGirl. Simply because of the room itself. What a relief to hear my EXACT thoughts coming from the mouths (well, keyboards) of others. I am not the only one who feels all these horrible things! As sad as I am that anyone else has to go through this, I must admit that the relief outweighs that. Better yet. . .  I haven't been into any chat room in years. I've seen so many people hiding in the anonymity of cyberness be such beasts to each other. But in this one, most everyone is kind and supportive. To sit and watch as people came in feeling low only to be greeted by hugs, and ears and words of encouragement. How THANKFUL I am to have been there to see that, to be peripherally a part of that.

For three days prior, I sat almost immobile. I barely ate. I cried for hours. I googled suicide, survivors of suicide and finally I googled depression chat room. Today is a better day.


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