Note to self:

Do not skip two days of pills. On day three, you will feel like an empty, worthless, piece of space and will only think about climbing back into the safety of your bed.

I am so down and weepy. I am constanty on the verge of tears. I'm fighting it. but nothing sounds better than climbing under the blankets and having a good cry. I suspect it has to do with PMS. After 11 years of continually being on some sort of birth control that stopped my periods, I'm finding now that my body is all natural I suffer from PMS and the emotional toll on me is far worse than I could ever imagine. It's bad enough to feel off my rocker and having swinging mood swings and feeling down so much that now once a month I'll be going through this extra whirlwind of mental choas.

Some times I just wish I could know what it was like to feel normal. I have trouble grasping the concept that "normal" people don't feel like this. There is more to life than struggling to keep your head up. Normal people don't understand how death would be easier. I, fortunately, am not suicidal. I could never leave my children like that. BUT I understand those that are. I understand how people can run away from their life and disappear. I understand how hopeless life feels. I understand how people can be so selfish and do things that hurt other people in an effort to make themselves feel better. I have. Not proud of it, but i have totally been a selfish person and made poor choices that benefit no one but myself and indeed hurt other people.  I wish I could take them back and make them go away.

I wish people understood what it's like to sit in this physical body and look around wondering why you are here, watching the world move around you while you are just sitting in the middle with seemingly no purpose.

and then as quickly as that is released from my brain....I know I have purpose, I know I'm not alone, I know I am important person to many people.

but it doesn't chase that lonely feeling away....it stays and lingers...eats away at my soul.

Been feeling a bit down lately. I'm hoping to go back and see a pattern of my downs from these postings. We'll see.

Whenever I feel down, I get restless. Like changing my life would make me better. I start resenting my husband. Start nit picking around the house. Isolate myself. I have to realize what I'm doing and control my mood. It's not their fault I'm a nut.

But some times I truly do wonder if a life change would help.

I wonder if I'll be able to ever function again without the aid of antidepressants. I managed for 33 years.  I'm afraid to even try. Part of me understands I have always felt this way. Part of me knows I have always struggled with depression. But another part of me feels as if I am hiding behind a mask if I cannot be happy without them. Happiness is a state of mind. If you chose to be happy, you can just be happy right? Be thankful for what you do have and do not dwell on what you do not have. Water your own grass to make it green, hopping the fence will only make that grass lose it's color. In theory these ideas should work but they don't for me. I want them to. I want to be happy and know I'm doing it on my own. I don't want the crutch of these meds yet I'm not ready to try. Is that because I fear slipping into darkness again or do I know I can't possibly be happy with my present life? I don't know.

I don't know why I attract drama. I suppose it's the people in my life. I've been trying to hard to stay away from drama. I just want to focus on myself, my husband, and my kids. No one else. My priority is home and when other people get into my head it's a distraction but I can't help it. People are drawn to me when they have problems.

I suffer from this terrible thing called compassion. I feel other people's pain. I feel the need to help people. I don't know how to not help people. I don't know how to look the other way. One one hand this is an amazing gift that many people admire. It is a gift and the world need more people like this. However, it takes it's toll. I'm not strong enough to carry the burdens of others anymore. Perhaps once I was but right now I am not. And I feel terrible not being there for others as much as I was there before but it's been healthier for me.

I have heard time after time the world needs more people like me. While I agree with this for the benefit of society and the world, I also agree because it would take some of the burden off of me. If I knew there were others that would catch the ones I have to walk away from, I'd sleep better at night.