Today there will be a life altering decision made in my home. It is one that has been coming for a while now, I've just been running from it with everything I've got. If the decision goes as I think it will, my marriage will be as good as over, and my children's lives will be altered forever. I tried so hard for years to stop this in its tracks before it got to this place. But nothing got better, I only made myself very sick. But here I am again in a situation where I tried to change others. I tried to make them see what was right. I tried to make them see what irreparable damage was taking place. I know better than this. I know I can't change others only myself. This has been a huge problem for me my whole life. I try to change someone, thinking if I love them enough to do what's right then they in return will do the same for me. It never happens that way. I just end up broken at a dead end. Someone told me a few years back that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. How very true that is. So as hard as today will be, maybe today will be the day I will finally get it. Maybe today's the day I can stop breaking and start mending me, so I can be the strength my kids need in this difficult time.

To love me is poison of that I am sure. The people that I love they try to endure. Maybe today's the day that she will be okay. The right medicine, the right doctor, there's got to be a way. But what they don't get after all of these years, is that its me I am poison and I'll hurt you if your near. Its because I live in pain and in fear. It hurts me so bad to see what I've done to my family and friends, who are now almost gone. The ones the are still here are the ones I've always loved the most. To keep dragging them down with my sadness and pain, seems like a prison sentence with only me to blame. Do I stay or do I go? Which would hurt them more? Oh God give me the answers because I can't take anymore!