This evening, words cannot express the confusion and self loathing I feel.

Today I finally got around to organising some counselling. I know that's a positive thing. I initially spoke to my BF about it and suggested that maybe we could go to counselling together to talk through our communication difficulties - when things are good, they're so good; but the instant we conflict the communication shuts down. And I know that's on both sides, not just on my part. I thought maybe that would help me make a decision about our future. But my BF cheerily told me he was a bit too busy at the moment and to hold off arranging it for a month or so. And I cheerily agreed...cos of course it wasn't that big a deal...

God, if only he knew how I torture myself! A month would be impossible for me to wait. I've waited a few weeks and right now the self-hatred I feel is like the physical pain of a broken heart. So I went ahead and organised it for myself. Which is what I should have done from the start, I know.

I'm scared. I'm afraid of what I'll hear myself say. And I can't help but feel like a complete liar; a fraud. This mask I'm wearing is getting heavier and heavier and I'm terrified that someone will see me for what I really am.

I'm trying to make sense of my life right now, and finding it so confusing that I don't know what will make me happy anymore?

At the risk of sounding like I'm wallowing in 'poor me's', I guess I have a massive fear of being abandoned and want so much to break the cycle.  My dad left my family when I was 10 years old, though he was always emotionally vacant in general as he suffered from mental ill-health himself.  My mum was always the 'coper' and the 'fixer' in the relationship until she was ground down so far that she became very angry and bitter, often taking her emotions out on me.  My teenage years were spent desperately trying to please her in every possible way to avoid her outbursts.  However I ended up with the lasting self-belief that I needed to keep my own opinions and emotions to myself because they weren't as important.  Finally I bottled things so far that I self-harmed a few times at the age of 18.  At uni I struggled to cope and became very depressed.  Things came to a head when I had an abortion at 20 because my mum told me I wouldn't be welcome home again unless I did.

A few years passed then I met a man who I truly fell in l0ve with and married.  He was my absolute soulmate and best friend, however had a lot of issues.  After a year of marriage I discovered that he was a compulsive gambler.  To cut a long story short, he worked hard and succesfully arrested his compulsion with my full support, however after 5 years of marriage I left him as he was still abusive to me while drunk and refused to see that this was a problem.  We had a daughter and my main concern was that she was seeing the same unhealthy  cycle I had experienced growing up - dad has a problem and mum is the one who takes the flack and fixes it all.

Two years later, I am rebuilding my life and working my way out of the resulting debt - I have a good job and am also studying for a master's degree and enjoying the experience this time round.  I am in a relationship with a wonderful and caring man.  But I'm still not happy.

My job isn't satisfying me at the moment - I am jobhunting, but in the meantime I'm finding it really difficult to remain in a positive mood.  A few weeks ago I had a massive row with my mum as I found that she had read a private letter.  To this day, I find it extremely difficult to communicate with her - when I told her I knew what she'd done, she blew up at me and used abusive language and accused me of 'setting a trap' for her.  I now feel that  want her in my life as little as possible as she is such a destructive influence on my self-worth and is more concerned even now about what other people think than for my wellbeing.  To me, that isn't unconditional love.

Finally, I'm not sure that the relationship I'm in is what I want.  My BF is talking marriage and while he would never push me into anything I don't want to do, at the moment I'm not sure that  ever want to commit at that level again.  He's such a good and kind person, but I know I'm holding back because I can't help feeling there's something missing.  He's quite traditional and not a great communicator, and I know that I need someone who has the patience to draw me out when I'm trying to say how I feel as I'm not great either.  Before christmas, I tried to talk to my BF about something that had hurt me and he walked out.  He was going through his own rough time then and blamed me for not being more supportive of him.  He didn't get in touch for over two weeks and I had to call him and be the one to apologise for things to be 'fixed'. I know we could have a happy life together when things are going well, but that scared me because it brought up the old bad feelings of my emotions not being as important as pleasing someone else.  It also hurt me badly that he walked out and cut off contact, I guess that also stirred up the past for me as I have felt so abandoned, both physically and emotionally, by men (and women) in the past.  I'm not sure that I can trust someone who can do that when things are tough.

I just want to be happy - I'm not sure how anymore, and every day seems like such a struggle.  I'm not blaming anyone else, I just want to know how to take responsibility for my own happiness and make it happen...