This evening, words cannot express the confusion and self loathing I feel.

Today I finally got around to organising some counselling. I know that's a positive thing. I initially spoke to my BF about it and suggested that maybe we could go to counselling together to talk through our communication difficulties - when things are good, they're so good; but the instant we conflict the communication shuts down. And I know that's on both sides, not just on my part. I thought maybe that would help me make a decision about our future. But my BF cheerily told me he was a bit too busy at the moment and to hold off arranging it for a month or so. And I cheerily agreed...cos of course it wasn't that big a deal...

God, if only he knew how I torture myself! A month would be impossible for me to wait. I've waited a few weeks and right now the self-hatred I feel is like the physical pain of a broken heart. So I went ahead and organised it for myself. Which is what I should have done from the start, I know.

I'm scared. I'm afraid of what I'll hear myself say. And I can't help but feel like a complete liar; a fraud. This mask I'm wearing is getting heavier and heavier and I'm terrified that someone will see me for what I really am.