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Just a thank you

last night me and my house mate who happens to be one of my best friends were talking. as we do abot all sorts of rubbish; Have you seen this movie? who do you thinks better at what? and more guyish stuff

as we tend to do i asked him a random question of the top of my head "what do you think everyones best skill is in this house?" (there are four of us all guys)

We listed of the other two and then got chatting about eachothers skill sets and he paid me one of the biggest complements in my life saying:

"in this house you are the best of us. The best morals, you are kind to any stranger and emotionally you are one of the strogest people i know"

 

Now i know he'll never read this but i just wanted to put out a massive thank you for him because he has got me through aweful times and shared with me the good times and i shall forever consider him a true friend and a brother to me

 

SlowCat - SmallSteps

The Start

Okay so its been a few days since i wrote as i was taking a few days rest from the exams but now i thoght i'd give a go at telling my story, though it will take a while, so i will start at the start.

 

Though i was bullied a lot while i was at school i dont think that has much to do with my depression/anxiety (though i know it definetly can do).

Just before i started college it was my mums birthday and we had a big party with lots of friends and family come, including my father. I will never call him my dad and i will try to explain that here.

my mum and my father have been devorced since i was three so i was used to this and i did have a very good relationship with my father. However at this party his partner was very upset, in here words "no one would talk to her". she thought this was because of how her and my father got together (it was an affair)

In actuallity no one new who she was and the few that did were not bothered at all, though what she and my father did was wrong it was over 13 years ago at this point and it was my mums day so why go out of your way to ignore someone? She didnt see that

On the way home in the cab from where the party was held (we were going to carry on a bit more at home with a few of the closer geusts) it was me,  my best mate, my father and his partner in the car. she kept going on about this and despite my best efforts to convince her otherwise she and my father both believed this was happening.

After an hour or two of more good times at home i heard raised voices in the hall and went to see what was happening. both my dads partner (i'm going to use the name megan to make it easier) and one of my mums best mates (who i will call jess) were having an argument. Without asking what was going on i simply said this is my mums party please can you two stop and enjoy yourselfs in diffrent rooms.

Jess was happy to do so however megan continued and i continued trying to stop her. at this point my father arives and sides with megan and starts shouting me and jess down (he's always been a bit of a bully in that sence). my grandma herd this and try'd to split it up and my father and jess eventually left

Despite witnesses my father still beleives i kicked him out of the house, everyone was shunning them, we all ganged up on them at the end and i was drunk. i even stopped wanting an apology and would just accept having him, and not jess, in my life. He still would not do this.

it is now 5/6 years since this happend and everyday i'm still hurt he choose his wife over me, especcially since he could of kept both and let it be.

 

Well anyway this is when the depression took root, or so i believe, though it didnt fully come in untill a few years later. I will continue with more over the following days

 

As always thank you for anyone who took the time to read this

SlowCat - Small Steps

To the present

So rather than go more indepth about my past today i thought i'd do my second blog on more current affairs as i have had a rather exausting day and would like to chat about it :)

It started off with an exam, you know how every good day does. I know for a fact i failed it and the module (one of 8 for my course) and that got me scared (also angry an tiered having only got 2-3 hours sleep to cram for it).

My uni is fairly strict on passing all 8 of your modules (or however many you have) so i went to see my tutor about this. After explaining my reasons for the bad grades in this particular section, alot of witch has to do with anxiety/depression, he wanted to help and has set up a means by witch we might get around this which perked me up a bit.

Then it was strait to the libary to revise as i have another exam tomorrow. And i hammered away at this for about 7 hours strait and only got halfway through and now im home, back to worrying about bills, exams and you know the like.

Its been a very hard day and its just getting harder as i now need to do more revision for my exam in 9 hours and some how get a bit of sleep in there aswell

Hopefully tomorrow will bring some peace though as the next exam is a week of and im allowing myself a day of rest to catch up on some needed sleep and sanity :P

Well i'll keep it short today but will hopefully post again tomorrow about something more intresting than me moaning :P

 

SlowCat - Small Steps

Intoductions

Hi. I've never done this blogging thing before so if by chance you do happen upon this attepmt please bare with me.

So first I'll introduce myself as LucklessPanther, I'm a 20/21 year old student studying biochemistry at a univercity. I do have a great support structure of friends and family but i dont like to keep talking to them all the time as; 1, i feel too vunrable and 2, i have alot, but by no means the most, to say when it comes to this stuff and i dont want it to interferre with them.

Okay so why am i hear now? well i've been a suffer of depression for roughly 3 years now, I will go more indepth to the cause's etc in another blog, and recently (roughly 2 months ago) i had a big panic attack, my first one. I thought i was having a heart attack, I was visiting home at this point and had asked my mum to call an ambulance. Well i ended up in A&E where they told me what was happening and eventually calmed me down.

I have try'd to seek help with the depression before but every time i get to the point of going to a counselling session i got scared and bailed. However the anxiety/panic scared me alot more. First i went to my GP who just gave me pills without telling me much about them, given my course i did my own researchand became worried so i made an appointment with a GP i trusted. He told me all about them and made me feel much better and said the choice is mine. After a few weeks i took one and it made me feel horrid and i haven't touched them since.

After this i decided i needed a better aproach to dealing with this stuff so i again called the counsellors. After about an hour of chatting we decided CBT (cognative behavioral therapy) would be the best way to go.

I'm now 2 sessions into this and my 3'ed will be on monday. I think it really is helping. After my second and particularly distressing session my counsellor (is that the correct term?) asked me to fill out more sheets and then showed me how/why etc...  i had PTSD (post traumatic stress syndrome). Knowing this came as a blow and i was scared, but also was a massive releife because everything finally fit, i knew why i am the way i am and whats causing it.

 

Well sorry for the rather long introduction but i thought i'd give you the story so far, thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this and goodluck in your own endevours

 

SlowCat - Small Steps

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