Every day I live in a house full of people, but I feel so alone.

Every day I'm surrounded by a group but I'm more alone then ever.

I watch my friends laugh and carry on, I try to join them but all the while I'm screaming on the inside.

I love my friends, my family, but how can I make them understand the pain I feel? How can I make them understand that its not their fault?

By being in pain myself, its like I cause them pain. So I hide it the best way I can, and hope they'll understand.

They tell me they love me, they're always here for me, things will get better, stay strong, you're never alone, life gets better but how can I explain to them that nomatter what they say, I still want to die.

It's worse when you're in love, they say you can't be depressed when you're in love, but believe me, its nothing you can control.

Yes I am very much in love, he makes me so happy, but because I suffer from depression, he doesn't believe he's doing enough. And it makes me sick to know that he believes that. And I try to hide the pain but it overwhelms me so much I can't control it.

The worst part, and I hate myself for this but, I'm jealous of him. I know he's been through hell, but yet I always feel like I'd rather take the hell he went through to get rid of mine. The fact that he doesn't suffer from depression the way I do, the fact that he has many friends, unlike me, the fact that he like being with his friends..the fact that he knows how to have fun..

What's wrong with me that I would feel this way?

I try to stop but so far its got a hold of me and all I do is picture my death every day because it comforts me.

All I can do is try, try to hold on and let time do its job, heal, and pray to God that I make it out alive.

This is why I'm alone in a crowed room.