Things have not gotten any better at all. They've just gotten worse and problems have risen because of it. I have an appointment finally set up and my mom's going to drive me so I actually go to it. And man do I love Ativan. It is the greatest happy pill ever made. I'm hoping the shrink gives me that or something like it to continue helping me out. Otherwise I'm in trouble with out the happy pills. I still am single, ex has told me he loves me still but is still going to move on, being single still sounds awesome to him. :( And I still have yet to pack up anything in my apartment, I really have to do that soon. Gotta move back in with the parents, bleh. That's going to be so much fun. But just for a few months and then I'll save up enough to get my own place, if I can get my ass to work. Ugh. My boss is aware of what's going on but I can't keep skipping out on work. Sigh. Then I have a psycho bitch harrassing me from work actually. She called DCFS on me and is causing all sorts of issues right now. I haven't seen my child in over a week with out supervision because of what's going on lately, I finally got a full day with him today for Mother's Day. :) We went swimming with out cousins and then had dinner with Mama and Papa. Now we're home ready for bed, he's so tired from today. Didn't really have that long of a nap surprisingly. But, adoo for now. Gotta get him to bed.

No joke, this is how I cope. I just become a huge bitch who does not give a rat's ass about anyone's feelings. Except my twins and my son. Everyone else though, normally can just go fuck off. I haven't even slept around yet, that should be fun when I finally feel up to doing that. LOL. I just want to forget it all, everything. I'd love to just drop everything here and run away to Amsterdam, would love to go to Amsterdam. But I sadly can not, I have my son and I wouldn't leave him for the world. And his father probably wouldn't let me take him, I have got to get full custody of him. Sigh. Things just aren't going great still, I know I'll probably have to move back in with my parents, joy. Probably just for a few months, to save up the mula I need to get out alone again. Sigh. That's going to suck so badly, I hate moving back in with Mom and Dad, we don't see eye to eye well. But oh well, I fucked up and dumped Ex and am crazy anyways. Sigh. He's called me a stupid bitch and crazy I don't know how many times. I did call him a heartless bastard, that was a bad fight. I didn't want to go to name calling but he just kept going and I knew it would sting, as he knew it would sting him saying I think being single sounds awesome. Sigh. I guess it does, I'm out of the game for a while, that's for sure. I don't want anything from anyone. I've got a guy asking me and it's sweet, but I'd just break his heart in the long run. LOL. That's what I'm really good at when something like this happens. It's like, part of me starts hibernating, and the other part is wide awake and ready to just fuck with anyone. Why should I be the only one hurting? I just leave a trail of hearts behind me to make myself feel better. Some of the guys deserve it, the normal hit it and quit it guys, those are fun to break. But then there's the one or two sweeter guys and at least I forewarn them. LOL. I tell them, eventually darling, I will break your heart. They never believe me though, think they can get through to me. HA! They do eventually realize, I'm not sticking around for anything buddy. And then they get sad and mopey and even more annoying in my opinion. That's why I love the fact that you can just stop talking to someone, and they will normally leave it alone. Unless they are really crazy, like myself I suppose. Miss crazy pants, that's my nickname for some of his friends. That feels so awesome. Oh well, once I'm out that's that, he won't be in my life anymore. He doesn't want to be and I just want to forget everything that happened. The good at the beginning and the shit at the middle and end. I hate him guys, part of me really hates him and myself for how stupid we were. Why had we moved in so fucking early? Why had things just gone to shit? I was so tired of trying anymore, his trying was taking his meds every day. Other than that, what did he do? He didn't do anything about getting himself more help, he didn't try and go out and be around people, no. He sat and played his games. Sure, I haven't gotten any help either, but I've dealt with my shit a hell of a lot longer and think shrinks are pointless because I have been to them before and the don't help me. But one might have helped him. Now that we aren't together he's hunky dory. It's like, ya know, he was just waiting for it to happen. What else did we have but sex every so often and an apartment together? Where was the love and affection towards the end? There wasn't any, he'd stopped saying I love you a while back. Sigh. I just want to forget everything, as he says, I'm good at running away, I want to do that now. Run far far away and forget everything and everyone here. Maybe I'll do that some day, get my son settled to go to my parents if something should happen to me. Then just go, move away, far away from everything. Start a new life with new people. I would miss my twins a hell of a lot, they might understand some day down the road. Sigh. Adoo.

Or so people tell me anyways. I wish it would just get better instantly. Seriously, if there is a God, then he is one sick bastard. Why give us these measly short lives, first, and second, why fill them with all the emotional bullshit? Why not just give us the happy, content feelings? Why does life have to suck so damn bad sometimes that it drives people to go to drastic measures and do something stupid. If God has  a purpose for all of us, what the hell does that show for the ones who end it early? Their purpose was just to dispose of themselves? Fuck, this religion shit is so fucked up half of the time. Don't even want to get in to it further. Ugh. There is just so much in my head right now, I just don't understand what the hell happened, ya know? Things were good, but they always go bad for me. Now just looking for a place for my son and me to move on to. We're still with Ex in the apartment, our lease isn't up until June. I have started finally sleeping on the couch, instead of the bed with him. I can't anymore, it just hurts and is confusing, or was anyways. He's made it quite obviuos it was just sex for him. He's thought about it a lot and being single sounds awesome to him. Hope it works for him. And he enjoys all the sex and aids he gets. :) Sigh, I fucking hate this. Things have just escalated and gotten worse and worse. There was almost a fucking facebook war, I didn't want that! I wanted us to be civil with eachother and we said so many things to eachother. So many hurtful, angry things. I finally was just done, told him I was done texting him and just done. I was so tired of the fighting, so tired of it. I feel so worn down from it all. And of course that was right as he was sending another text to me, I haven't read it yet. And he said, of course, run away, don't listen to my side of the story, you're the victim and I'm heartless. :( I can't read it, I don't want anymore hurt right now, and he's hurt a lot, so much. I feel like, so confused right now. I don't care, I don't give a shit, about anything right now. I wouldn't care if I were to stab someone, I'd just leave em there and let em bleed. I don't feel anything! But then feel so hurt any other time. So hurt, I cried so hard last night, harder than I have in years or ever maybe. My body hurt from how violently I shook. My twin said, Vodka? I had almost an entire 5th to myself in about 25 minutes. Sigh, lets just say the numbness adavan gives you, was topped by like 300. LOL. Adoo.

I just have that feeling of being completely numb. I haven't discussed what happened with anyone at all. They try and bring it up and I shut them down. I can't talk about it, I don't want to. I wish I could forget everything right now, just push it all aside, run away somewhere for a while. There's a song by Smile Empty Soul, called With this Knife. It's about a love that has died and one of the persons wants to just take the knife and cut out the part that cares for the other person, cut out the part of his heart that cares for her. It's so accurate, it really is. I just want it all to go away. I want to leave him and be away from him forever. He keeps talking like he'll still be in my son's life when he's older, I just don't see it happening. Our lease will be up in June, and once it is, that will be it. I won't see him again unless he's over hanging with our other Buddy. Our other Buddy and I are wanting to look in to a place together. But other than that, not a damn thing from him or to him. I want it to be completely over. And when things like this happen, I don't cope well at all. I got buck wild and just leave a trail of broken hearts behind me. Men who are famous for their hit it and quit its want more, all the time. They change, I change them, and it's annoying. I just want sex, and they want more all the time. That's how I've lost a couple of guy friends and why chicks hate me. LOL. I just don't care right now. I want attention and dammit, I can get it now. But, I always think of Ex. And know I would if I fooled around with anyone right now, it'd just be thoughts of Ex. I hate it. I want to just get away, run far far away. I want to get away from all the guys too. It's like the second I became signal it was open season on me or something. All of the men approaching me lately is starting to get over-whelming and quite annoying from some. They are way too clingy way too quickly. One even mentioned love already, and we'd been talking for  like 3 days. I was like, um, no. Bye bye. That was a good friend one too, sigh. Oh well. I just don't feel anything inside anymore. Lost another good friend because of what I've been doing lately, she's scared for me and I know she said some things because she's worried and cares for me. But it didn't matter to me, she said what she wanted to, and I apologized and said that doesn't even phase me right now. And it really didn't, I just wanted her to leave me alone and stop blowing my phone up. I just want to be left alone, I don't want to be around people, but then do. If I'm left alone, I get scared and take something to my skin. Whether it be ice and salt or my scissors, something gets there. I have a shrink appointment Wednesday at 8:00 a.m. in the  morning! Seriously! Oh well, they have them early early because we don't sleep anyways. I'm gonna pull an all nighter I think tomorrow night, off Wednesday and Thursday, finally. I did well this past week of work, except tonight and the 3 days I missed beginning of last week. But getting better, left early tonight to go hang out with a friend. It was pretty nice, got a good long massage. Needed that, so much tension. My back and legs cramp so badly anymore, I hate it. My body is wasting away, I can feel it. I would love to eat and fill it, but if I eat, I just get sick. Like today, had a few fries and a little ice cream, threw up not 3 minutes later, all of it. It hurts getting sick. So I just don't eat near as much. People tell me I need to start eating and my stomach will get used to it, but that's a lie. I've tried that before, and threw up way too much for my liking. I'd just rather eat less than puke a bunch. But, adoo for now.

Any chance I had to be with Ex again is gone and out the window. He signed in to my facebook and saw conversations between me and two people. One of them I was crying to he says, and the other I was trying to hook up with. Yeah, that was great to find out. So I changed his facebook password then felt ridiculously childish and was going to chang it back. Then forgot the password for a bit and he found out. LOL. Whoops. Got it changed and good to go though. And he is still coming home. Which sucks kind of, no sleep for me tonight. Just sitting up, wondering when he will come out and just hit me finally, just to get it done and over with. I don't deserve to be hit, I know that, nor would he ever hit me. But yell at me, something. Show me that this is hurting him as much as it is me. But I doubt that will happen. We are done talking from here on out unless it's Damon or bills probably. That's going to be fun. I don't even feel the want to play with myself in the bath tub anymore. My sex drive is gone. :( Sad day. But good in a way also. Except when I'm around Ex. I want him badly. I hate myself and what I've become and what I've done. I love this man and we are just horrible together. Horrible. I want so badly to sleep, forever. Adoo.