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Eighteen years

Permalink 07/28/11 20:32, by mathieuskitten, Categories: mathieuskitten

thats how old i am, and as far as i can remember thats how long ive struggled to be like everyone else. i just want that one happy memorie to hold onto

mom says it wasnt always like this, when i was a toddler my father loved me i was his baby girl his favorite. but i dont remember those days i dont remeber any of those storys she tells me. i remember the abuse being kicked so hard i bled, thrown down the basement stairs. i remember being locked in my room looking out the window at my siblings playing i remember me and my brother being sent to foster care living with the deaf family who didnt understand anything we said. then staying at the group home till they found us a  place to go, i remember bits and peices of living there i remember getting sespended for drinking and runing away in school i was in grade four then my brother in grade six. i was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD.we tortured our foster mother though now im sorry for that she was a nice woman. we tortured her so bad they sent us back yes the children services sent abused children back home because they couldnt handle them. my father had taken anger management and spent some time in jail. he changed a little just to keep his fucking job now he threw small things and hit only hard enough to hurt n spoken sinceo bruises no evedence then he found a new weapon. words and they hurt. i went through high school thinking the worse of myself a dissipointment to my family, worthless and retarded, i was never living up to my potential i was the bad one the uncontrolable one... i started hanging out with the "bad crowd" smoking drinking running away. my parents had the cops called on me at least ten times. my dad would scream at me slam me into walls and smack me. remind me of how pathetic i was. grade eleven came wit more dissipointments. mom finally gave up and dicided she was leaving. he suddenly changed he became nice he bought us things he teased he joked i thought we became good friends but she left anyway and he got angry again not completly he had his nice moments but the always revolved around buying us things i didnt want his money i wanted his love. i left after i graduated to live with my mom our last one on one convo was how i was his favorite but now he could barely look at me i made him sick with dissipointment. he went to my grad and then next day dropped me off at moms

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