Holidays suck I did work yesterday which helps would prefer to work all fall/winter holidays. It seems i am expected to be happy during the holiday period. They have no special meaning for me I know it is hard for family to realize this. My reasons for this feeling are mine alone, to me they are just another day.

Well last night a simple question sets me off not sure why. I dont feel as thought this marriage is going to last I take every comment "the wrong "way she seems to be bitchy to me. I am tired of hearing about the physical complaints. Lately we are complaining about our foot. She is wearing a heart monitor probbaly the 3rd or 4th one the never find anything but we feel the need to wear one. Most days when leaving work she stops and tells me how bad she feels i am not a DR what does she want me to do.  listen to people complain about bullshit all day i don't need it at home also. I very rarely complain when i do i get soesmart ass answer. I cannot talk about my feelings or lack of them she gets pissed. She dosent understand why i dont want to see the kids or grandkids to me there is to much drama when we see them. They are grown and have there own lives. I am so tired of coming home to this shit everyday whish i had the balls to move out did it on the last marriage promised i would not go through this again.

Looking and searching for someone to talk to> All I want to do is talk to someone hard to talk in person can not find someone on line. Life sucks what is the point we live pass through this life then die. Big deal.

So how fucked up is life spent the last 2 hours looking for someone to chat with on here. I cant even chat online let alone in person do i have a anti talk to sign on my computer. What the fuck is wrong i am sure that when i die there will be no one to miss me or even realize i am gone.

Feelings what are they i have not had any for any for many years. Nothing love, compassion, nothing only sorrow and more depression. What happened is  this how i deal with the fear of being hurt? Where did my feelings go?  When did they go? What caused them to go? What kind of life is this without feelings? What is the poing of going on?

this sucks