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SLEEP

I am obsessed with sleep.  When I'm awake I dream of sleeping, when I'm trying to fall asleep I can't.  When I am eventually asleep I have such horrifying nightmares I'd rather be awake. 

I suffer from Bipolar Mood Disorder... or so the Psychiatrist said.  I've been medicated for six years.  I have mood swings - fits of depression, followed by bouts of complete elation.  I can always tell when the depression phase is starting and can usually take preventative measures to avoid it.  I exercise, I eat properly, I control my sleeping and waking, working and resting, drinking and all the things that affect me.  This time I couldn't.  This time I'm stuck.  But I'm stuck in a completely different situation, which is why I didn't see it coming, and I don't know how to "get better".

Let me explain:  I live in a fishbowl.  Many people in this community are more interested in other people's lives than their own, because their lives are so boring and uneventful.  When I first moved here it was evident that I got along very well with my boss (a single).  The rumours started that we were having an affair and as such I was receiving special treatment at work.  To curb said rumours I embarked on the worst relationship I've ever been in, with a person 7 years younger than me, and someone who annoyed me more than anything else. Worst of all, this person was someone with whom I could not discuss the unavoidable mood swings, bipolar, sadness, etc. etc.  Although I'm very happy for a large portion of my day, it is mostly an act.  And when you're sleeping with someone, they will see you when you're not acting anymore, or when you're too tired to care.  I broke up with him, felt very relieved for a few days, then the accusations at work happened again.  Each time there was a personal conflict between me and a specific colleague, this accusation reared its head.  From where, I do not know.  The boss and myself are amicable, using the term "friends" is pushing it.  We just happen to have the same goals for our place of work, and are positive towards said goal.

Things settled down for a few months, I worked really hard to stay out of the spot light.  Compromising my own abilities, opinions and initiative so as not to draw any attention to myself.  Then I met him.  I met the man I fell in love with - real love, real, honest, heart on my sleeve love.  We spoke about marriage, we spoke about children, we were best friends.  And as quickly as it had begun, it ended.  I'm still not completely confident that I know the proper reason.  Our "friend" Facebook kindly informed me via the photographs of a mutual friend that he had moved on to another unsuspecting within 3 days of our "I will always love you" breakup.  It was all a lie.  His part, anyway.  All of it, lies.

In the midst of this relationship I informed the colleague, just to let her know once and for all that her accusations/ assumptions are untrue.  Her reaction was to disallow me to start certain programmes at work on the basis that "you're going to get married and leave, so how will we continue?" (I never mentioned marriage to her)

Recently, the boss has found out about all of these underlying issues at our collective place of work.  Thanks to the "help" from a friend, who told him.  Who then accused me of entering into the second relationship in order to get over feelings for the boss, and then said that I need to face up to the issues left to me by the nasty breakup of the second relationship.  (I'm still unsure whether this "help" was to help me, or to pursue her own personal interests - be it, get rid of the annoying friend who is never happy; or get in there with the boss - I have no idea).

All I know is that in the past I've had breakdowns, I've cried out for help through cutting myself, starving myself, using drugs, and when my parents failed to notice, I just plain asked for help.

This time I want everyone to leave me alone.  I don't want to explain to anyone why I'm not smiling when I usually do, why I'm not wearing makeup to work or brushing my hair.  I don't want to deal with the hurt that's been bestowed and that has tainted the colours of my life, the relationships, the hopes and the dreams I had of a future with a husband who is my best friend and who will be the most wonderful father to my future children.  As my sister said "its not your fault that your father didn't love you".  But why do I suddenly feel like all of this... all of this never-ending crap... the constant hitting of rock bottom, the constant feeling of ridiculous vulnerability and fear... why do I feel like it is my fault?   People think that saying "it could be worse" is helpful.  Its not helpful.  I wish it was worse.  i wish that I had a real reason, legitimate in the eyes of society, to feel so crappy. 

For now, I smile on cue, laugh when I absolutely have to, and all the while I feel trapped in the cages of my own mind, dreaming of when I can go to sleep again, and hoping I never have to wake up. 

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