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11.24.2014

Birth Family

I have mentioned before the I was adopted. I did not know anything about my birth family until last July. We went to the bank and got all of our stories about our birth and why we got adopted. Reading it made me feel relieved but also extremely depressed. Well, my birth parents met and got married. They had a daughter in 1984 and another daughter in 1987. Yep, 13 and 10 years older than me. My parents started to have a severe drinking problem. They conceived me on accident or maybe on purpose to save their marriage. They divorced sometimes after my birth. My mother gave my older sisters to an orphanage right before I was born. I know their names and hope I meet them someday. I like to think I could most possibly be an aunt right now by blood. Anyways, my parents were left alone to take care of me. They stayed with me for about 1 and a half years. As I kept reading, the judge said my parents were extreme alcoholics during this time. They spent all their money on alcohol and left me to starve. Afterwards it soon got physical. I have had flashbacks and saw a man hitting a woman. We realized that they would hit me too. They didn't really want me. My mom tried to get rid of me so Family Service came and placed me in the orphanage. Their parenting rights were taken away and I never saw them again. After a year, I got adopted with my brother.
11.24.2014

Therapy

I go therapy every Monday at 11:30-12:30. This is my favorite hour of my week. At therapy, I figured out and discovered the reasons for my depression and anxiety. I can spill out anything to my therapist without the lectures or anything. Today, we talked a while about my sibling and here is what we figured out. My sibling's suicidal thoughts and my parents reaction was evidence that they were treating me wrong the past 4 years. We confirmed that they emotionally abused me in 4 years, but did not know it. I didn't even know it, I thought it was life. They agree to treating me wrong the in the 4 years and apologized. I can't forgive though. I am happy that they confessed, but I can't just forgive for the pain they put me through for 4 years. My parents was a major part of my depression and anxiety. They said if they would have known what they were doing, everything would have changed dramatically and they wished they did. My mother cries because she has the guilt and my dad doesn't know what to feel. I will eventually be able to say I forgive you, but not right now. Right now I am numb. I don't feel sadness, anger, happiness, or anything. I just feel my body getting swallowed up by depression and making me disappear. I know they are sorry, but I just can't feel enough to forgive them. It takes time.
11.22.2014

Back to the Beginning

Recently, I found out my sibling thought of suicide. It killed me. I know what it's like to have that feeling and I never wanted anyone to have it, especially not him. Of course, people say whatever is on their mind and it hurt him. Luckily, he has a really good friend that helped talked him out of it. I swear, if I find out whoever did that to him will regret it. TREAT THE WORLD BETTER THAN ITS TREATS YOU. TREAT OTHERS THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED. Is that just saying and never followed rule? I don't know how anyone could live with that feeling of knowing what you could've caused. We're all humans trying to live a life, we all need help from people. There is absolutely no reason to make someone feel like they're good enough to die. My parents need to learn that. They should know that whatever they say and do is taken seriously. Like I have said in recent post, I have told my parents every time I tried to attempted suicide which was 3 times before they actually took action. Yeah I know, "They didn't know how serious depression actually is but now they know". I wasn't saying I was depressed, I said I tried to kill myself. The way I see it is if I said I tried to kill someone, they would've flipped shit. But since I said I tried to kill myself, they said to let it go. After the 3rd time, they thought it was serious and maybe they should do something. My dad was still not into the idea of spending money for "feelings". He still isn't. Anyways, I told my parents about my brother's thought of suicide and instantly they snapped. They said we need to be more of a family, my brother needs therapy, and we all need to be nicer. Now, remember, he has already had therapy when I was asking for it. I got turned down 3 times for attempt of murdering myself. He had a thought about it. A thought. And they act like he had a gun right next to his head at that moment. I guess old ideas never change, he was and will always be the favorite.
11.22.2014

Right Now

Okay, world. Right now I am going to talk about my life now. I've been switched to two different medicines. Now I take 40 mg of one pill, 300 mg of another pill, and another pill. All I can say is there are good days, but mostly bad days. I have been dying on the inside, but no one has known. This year I got rejected for the school play which is ironic because I act every day. Every day I paint on a smile, put some brightness into my eyes, and force laughter. Sometimes when I go to the bathroom during class, I just sit there. I cry a little but try to let it go. Shove my feelings down. No one really understands. My parents don't understand anything. I barely understand what's going on still. However, all those people out there who freaking think its alright to say whatever is on their mind, even rude stuff, need to stop. I have gotten cyberbullied before online, and even recently. People have asked me why this is an act for attention. I say it's not. Then they say if its not, then why haven't I killed myself yet. Then someone people say they wish I would've killed myself. I try to not let it get to me, but it does. It's like lava and takes away any happiness from me. I think "am I doing this for attention? Why haven't I killed myself? Am I that awful of a person?" and then "I should kill myself so people know its not an act for attention". Recently, my best friend found me with a fork almost shoved up my throat. I texted her "I'm going to show the world it's not an act for attention." My brain is chemically imbalanced. Everybody has something wrong with them in a different way. Mine is I can't control my feelings so I try to shove them away. When I get really sad or upset, I don't know what I am doing or saying. I have to reread my text to figure out what I told people. My parents sometimes have to explain to me what I was saying. I literally can't remember it. I am sick of this sickness. I am sick of people being tired of this and giving up on me. I'm giving up on myself.
11.5.2014

2nd Day

I got woken up around 8 for "school". The first thing we did was fill out our menu. It was a breakfast menu, lunch menu, and supper menu. Everybody got different foods, and I thought it was great. I was so excited every day to get something new. Next, we fill out a morning chart on how we are filling, what our mood ranking is, and whatever is else. We then ate breakfast, got our blood pressure measured, and took our medicine. After, we had time to shower. Rule 4, no two patients can be in the same room without a nurse. That meant, if no nurse was available then you couldn't even go to the bathroom. Showering was awkward. There wasn't a door, just a small curtain, and everybody else showered in there too. The nurse usually came and checked up on you. You couldn't have razor, hair dryer, makeup, straightener, or anything else that could cause self harm. Mainly, it was a shower and get out type of deal. Most kids just wore their pajamas all day. That's what I started to do. After everybody was ready, we went to activities and school. We never left the unit, only if we went outside. You can't go out of the unit without a key, and you couldn't go in. My roommate and I attended this school that looked like a class room, but it was for students with special needs. Like children that didn't have copping or social skills. I felt and was treated like a 5 year old. Not going to lie, I did play with some of the plato and colored some. I didn't have to do any work either. Since it was Easter break, my school couldn't mail over my books or anything. It was Friday, and we had to be in there until lunch. My roommate and I counted down the minutes. Finally, a nurse told us to come to the other room for lunch with the other kids. In there, we ate lunch. After, we had activities. Since it was Easter, we made Russia eggs. Those eggs that are decorated and opens up. They let us decorate our eggs, and put things inside. I put a cross, heart, and flower in mine. After, we watched the movie frozen. Then it was off to group. After group, we had an hour to ourselves. I was bored. However, I saw one of the nurses making a bracelet. I thought that would fun to learn to make one, so i asked if there was any yarn. She said yes and gave me two boxes of different colored yarn. Three other girls came to join me and we started making bracelets. Rule 5, no patient is allowed to handle scissors or tape. It took a while to make the bracelets, but after my stay I had about 20 on each arm. After that, we had dinner. Then around 7, we could have visitors. Only relative visitors tho, and my brother couldn't come. My dad and mom both came for the hour and half. We talked about how I was doing, what I liked to do here, and if I found out anything that could help. I didn't really know. They gave me letters from my friends and family and said many people are thinking about me. Next was group and then bed.

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