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Relapse

In my head I feel like I am going crazy but on the outside I look like a happy 21 year going on about life. Fake it til you make it is one of the hardest statements to put into practice. I come home feeling drained from smiling and acting like everything is fine, because everything is NOT fine. I don't even know why I feel this is way because everything should be fine but it just isn't... I actually hate myself for feeling this way but I can't turn my brain off... how can anyone? I just wanna scream and cry and rip my hair out because I am so frustrated with myself and feeling the way I do. Counselling was suppose to help and it may have for a little while but now all these feelings are coming back and I can't switch them off. No one in my life seems to understand, they all say I am fine and I am doing well but I am the only one who know's how I am doing and I'm NOT fine and I'm NOT okay. I feel like I am going crazy, I feel like my head spinning round and round when evidently its not even moving. Life just didn't turn out the way I expected it too... but doesn't everyone's? So why can't I just be normal and accept that life isn't fair and will never go how you wanted it too. Why do I have to be sad about it and not seem to be able to handle it like everyone else out there? There are bigger issue in this world yet I can't seem to handle that my family is dysfunctional (like many families out there) and that my boyfriend for six years still hasn't proposed (who can blame him though with me feeling so negatively about myself). I am sure me being the way I am can take it's toll on some people. Or that the thought of losing him is another big trigger for me feeling this way. My head overthinks things and makes me feel this way and it is ridiculous. Like seriously get over yourself and toughen the hell up. My head is all over the place that I seriously do think I am crazy and it seems like nothing will help... I guess telling myself to stop being stupid and to stop being an idiot is the only thing that can stop me crying for at least five mintues. I think I am just rambling now... but I'm pretty sure that's what happens when your brain is crazy.

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