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i dont know any more

May 3rd, 2010

where do i start ,i dont want to sound selfish or as if iv the worst life ever cos i know ther is way worse,but i just cant shake this feeling,okay well im 16years of age ,my life started well enough ,some people would say i had a great childhood.i attended a famous theartre school in london from the age of nine,but im not sure if it was my dream or my mums,my parents split up since three ,so i was used to that,but as a child i didnt have much of a social life were i lived ,i mixed with adults.,since young my uncle had always lived with my mum and me,he was young enough wayne was is name ,he was an alcholic but not agressive one,just couldnt beat the addiction .anyway time proceeded ,i turned 14 my mum wante dto move back to ireland her homeplave,as she was in alot of debt in england ,in agrumeunts she would blame the theartre school.but i knew she never mesnt it,i didnt  want to move i moved in with my auntie,my uncle got a flat and i would visit him.my aunty had four children it took getting used to sharing a room with two other girls,after a year i moved to my nans,i had settled ther started a new school a state school,things were pretty good.the one evening i went too visit my uncle bring him food etc.he hd been off the drink two months ,but had started again 10 days beforewhen i arived he had a terrible pain in his pancreas ,i phone an abulance who said they wouldnt come out but i would need to find a way to get him to hospital,so i did .his nextdoor neighbour andd me waited in the car ,he came down ready to leave and said to me 'il only go to hospital if you stay with me'.me being stupid i sed id stay for as long as possible ,but i couldnt saty the whole night,i had school in the moring.that was the last time i seen him.he took his life that night hung him self with a belt in the wadrobe,and was left for ten days ,i tried contacting him no knowing he was ther dead in his flat ,i even went there but no one answered i just pressumed hed gone drinking and would contact me when ready .eventually he was reported missing and found dead.. i now livce in ireland with my mam im 16 work fulltime quit school,i have been on so many medicatoins since tried overdosing before.dont get me wrong sometimews i have great days ,but sometimes i just want to kill my self ,i feel sad i feel like crying i want a dark place to hide away.is this normal?am i being silly.maybe ive just had to grow up way too quick .


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