I procrastinate. I hereby admit to myself that I am aserial procrastinator.

I am also a deeply avoidant person. Avoidance is my lifeline out of anxious situations.

So I don't know where procrastionation begins and where avoidance ends. I don't know whether I don't do my work because just looking at my books causes a pain. it causes an actual pain in my head and for me to feel very bad.

Until recently, even I thought I was crazy, but I learnt from Learning How to Learn (Coursera Course), that anxiety actually does cause our brain to mimic signals of actual physical pain, to make us walk away. See our body sees, potential anxious situation. It feels afraid. It starts to prod us to run away by making us feel. Kinda like a cattle prod. And so, we turn around, walk away, avoid the situation, and our brain nreathes a sigh of relief, and rewards us for our obedience with a feeling of relief.

So anxiety, makes us turn around and walk away from every uncomfortable situation.

For me, I don't know exactly what it is that I am turning around and walking away from. The feeling of pain? How can that be when I knwo that if I don't complete my work ther will be more horrible deep pain later on. There will be much self loathing and self hatred and it will all lead to violent intrusive thoughts. Where i will want to scream and hurt my dad cause yes he is responsible for a lot of pain in mylife.

BUT.

And this is a big but.

He has no idea how to be any other way. I know this and I hate the fact that it is my dad who had to bethe childish one and that I did not grow up with the strong calm pillar of stone father figure every girls deserves.

And then I realises I has a sense of entitlememnt :|

I believe I am entitled to the perfect father, that if only I had the pefect father my life would be great!

So today I am asking the violent part of me. Would having a perfect father also meant that I would have been born without anxiety? That's the million dollar question isn't it. I think my heart believes that if I had had the perfect father, there would have been no situation in my life to trigger my anxiety.  That life ould have been just great.

To have a happy life and to have any chance of peace, I have to look at this belief from every angle, and find out if its actually true, or just a myth that I have been feeding myself all these years.

While it is true that my father's verbally abusive and emotional bullying of my mum had severe repercussions for me, it is also true that a lot of my anxiety was caused by the very public eye ib which I grew up. My dad had a bot more money that those around him. We are not richie rich, but i grew up in the rural south pacific, and my dad had a car and a telephone and a cement house. Which to many people, means rich. So they expected somthing from me. They expected me to speak good english, which I did. They expected me to be physically weak ie not good at sports. So I never even tried. After all I had been told so over and over by the people of my villae and the kids at my school. Children like me were only good at studying and not sports. Academic achievements were never celebrated, because of course I was rpivileged and therefore it was expected that I excel. I hadno room for failure. and no reason that my successes be celebrated.

So I spent my entire life believeing I was useless and that my only goal in life was to win academic awards, talk softly and do what I was told.

Grew up, went to uni, got severe depression, tasted failure for the first time, then just failed for 10 straight years.

Most days I tried to end it all. Today I still ownder how is it that I am still alive. I lost all hope so many times. I died inside so many times I thought I was gone.

I have failed at everythinghh, academics life sports arts, I have failed so magnificently that i could enter myself into the guiness book of records for failure.

And where am I today?

I got a jopb somehow. I still think its a miracle. And I am reasonably good at it. My job I mean. But I am self sabotaging and destroying my job. I have to write something for my boss. And I have been putting it off for one week, I sit with my computer and forget what to write. when I get home I am so tired all that I want to do is sleep. When I get into bed I fall asleep immeadiately. I think my tiredness is partially because I am anaemic and partially because I have high anxiety at work. Plus I dont eat breakfast.

I struggle with food. all my memeories of  ffod are bad and it can safely be sad that I hate food. All the arguments and shouting that my dad did at home and still does to this day. are because of food.

so I dont have any longf term goals.

Just a short temr pne today.

finish writing my proposal. submit it. feel good. then go deal with other stuff.