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life as i thought i knew it

So i just found this site tonight and decided to check it out, i've always felt that i could explain myself better when typing on a keyboard than talking in person maybe it was because of the fact that i can say whatever i feel at that very moment and not have to see the person's facial expression, because if i could see what they actually thought of me they would think that im crazy.  Yep thats how i've felt almost my entire life, even people i've been in a relationships with say the same thing and maybe thats why im not quick to break it off with the person who mainly understands who i am.  I honestly cant remember when my depression started but maybe it was when i was first raped by one of my best friends, one whom i trusted and actually liked at the time, i remember that day he took me to the park and we layed down on the grass and just looked at clouds and when he climbed on top of me i thought nothing of it.  It was when he started trying to take off my top i begged him to stop and i screamed and screamed but he covered my mouth and held my arms down with his other hand, it was the most horrible day of my life, and to this day all i remember is him thrusting himself inside me and the tears streaming down my face.  That day i felt like the world around me came crashing down, i couldnt understand how someone i trusted could have done that to me.  I had my first actual relationship when i was 15 i thought he was my everything, even when he first hit me i thought it was because i messed up, but i should have realized he was not someone i wanted to be with, but it was to late i realized who he really was when he pushed me into the tub for crying and when i woken up because i blacked out i saw him sitting him on the toliet crying, i got up and staggered out of the tub and held the walls as i walked out of his apartment, i came home and my mom didnt even say anything, she didnt even ask me if i was okay.  To this day he messages me telling me one day hes going to come and find me and put me into a body bag.  He has threatened me so many times my mind actually thinks hes watching everything i do.  At 18 i met a guy online who i honestly thought was really something special, he was someone i actually fell for and i was wrong to think that he actually liked me back.  He went to jail a yr later after us knowing each other and stuff, it took me a year to find out that all that time he had a wife and kid that he never told me about.  I broke it off completely and tried to loose all contact with him but wouldnt you know right when he got out of jail he texted me and thats when i blew up on him and told him everything i knew about him, he didnt even try to tell me that what i knew wasnt true he just told me that he wasnt in love with her anymore and that he was already thinking of getting a divorce with her.  I couldnt forgive someone like that so after that we stopped talking atleast for a little while, im now 20 and hes in jail again and im honestly hoping this time he wont message me.

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