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Trying to get back to it

April 29th, 2011

With this last episode, I really have felt what is the point.  I have fallen down and gotten back up so many times and this time I don't see the point in getting back up.  With that being said, what else am I going to do?  I can't end it all.  I have a child who depends on me and he's too young to get over something so devestating.  The irony is that I fall down because I put everyone else before me.  I struggle with the concept that getting back up is just reaffirment of my situation.  But again, what else am I going to do?  My first feeble steps to get back on my feet were to call my doctor.  I got medications changed and I don't feel much different but I know that it takes time.  I met with my councelor and he has thought that I should see him weekly.  Ironically, I can't get in to see him until June.  I am on the cancelation list.  I keep thinking that I should go to a facility until I can get it all straight again but it seems like such a big step.  If I'm not going to hurt myself, atleast fatally, what is the point of going to the hospital. 

Here is what I am doing to "help" myself.  I have taken time off of work.  Earlier in the year when I had an episode, I really believed that I needed to stay engaged so that I wouldn't just fade away.  Since I relapsed so soon, I thought maybe I would go about it all a different way.  It has caused its own stress.  Pete doesn't understand why I need time off.  He is worried about my job security and my paycheck.  I had secured FMLA with my episode earlier in the year, so I don't have to worry about job security.  I also have time built up in my severe illness bank so I shouldn't see any money lost. 

Next, I contacted my instructor and she was gracious enough to give me an incomplete.  I should be able to make up enough course work to get a C.  Not something I am proud of but I do have the option of retaking the course at sometime and improving my grade.  I am on break til next week for my next class and usually the coursework is pretty light the first few weeks.  In keeping school on my plate, I atleast have something to be proud of accomplishing. 

Lastly, I have restarted my diet.  If I am able to loose some weight, I will physically feel better which always helps me.  I try to set realistic goals but damn it, I want to have a body like Jennifer Aniston.  I look in the mirror and I see all of my flaws.  The hair on my face is enough to send me to my bed.  I meticulously pluck and buff the hair off but it is a never ending battle. 

In making myself a priority, I will eventually feel better until I start to feel guilty about my selfishness.  I have to keep thinking that it is a marathon, not a sprint but I still don't want to get up to the starting line.

Less than I can be

I cannot get past the thought of what's the use.  I start something and never finish it or create a mess that causes me more stress than before.  I have been doing everything I should be doing to keep it all going but I still end up in the pit of hopelessnes.  I hate it and I don't deserve it but no matter how hard I try, the same result.  What's the point?  I am tired of working so hard to get better but never getting there.  Now I am in a position that I cannot act on my gut feeling to just end it all.  I have too many reasons to stay but I still wish I could go.

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