Michellia

written in the wee hours of the morning...

same ol' problem, different night...can't sleep.  My mind is like a fiber optic Christmas tree this evening - light and thoughts sparkling all over my mind.  Mine is not pretty like the Christmas optic trees, mine is more like a tree you would see bats flying around late at night and the sparkles are more like hyperactive stars in constant succession of activity.  My activity is absolutely unproductive and  a waste  of the sparkles of light that just keep on flashing.  Everything attached to me seems wasteful.  Fireflies wouldn't dare fly around my bat tree - their sparkles of light are too pretty and ordered to get mixed with the chaos zapping around my knotty, wretched, bent tree - full of bats.  Bats in the Belfry...

Fighting a hard day of depression is taxing like a tough sport - boxing or hockey...getting knocked around until that one unsolicited thought knocks you down.  I had one of those this evening. I hate the teeter totter, roller coaster, tilt a whirl ride that my spirit pulls me on every day.  I want to be medicine free but I know that I will never be free.  NEVER!  I am stuck in this lifestyle that is beyond my control. Brain chemistry - I am a science experiment going badly.  This is a great stopping point for today...certainly beats visiting the bridge images in my mind plus a few new ones I have conjured.