I had my first serious episode for a while this weekend. The walls closed in, it was fucking awful. I needed someone to talk to but no one was interested and that just made it worse. I've done a lot of things for people, I've really gone out of my way and the one time I need help they're nowhere to be found. I ended up getting angry, I took it out on a friend and now she'll probably want nothing to do with me. I thought she'd understand, but she's just treating it as a fucking joke. Where do I go from here? I can't talk to anyone, because no one cares. I try my hardest not to burden anyone, but it seems fine for them to burden me. It's just one big fucking mess and I can't be arsed to wade through it anymore.

People will just say "life is hard" but they don't have a clue really, a trying situation for them is picking out what socks to wear. Yeah, life is hard, it's worse than hard it's impossible for me. I was doing so well as well, do they think I dont need someone to help me from time to time? Maybe it's my fault for giving them that impression. This is a disaster and I'm finding it hard to see the point in it all.

If there's one benefit of being depressed it's the ability to know what isn't worth doing. I've had people telling me that this is a bad thing and that I should work on it, but I'm not so sure. I was in High School when I first became depressed, I had always been disinterested in swallowing text books, but I still obeyed and did it. When the depression was in full swing, any desire to listen to my teachers was lost. I refused to do homework on the basis that being at home was my time, and the curriculum should not encroach on my freedom. I'd always hated school and now, without fear I had the ability to say "fuck you." At the time I didn't really think about it, but now I love the fact that I was in no way interested in being told what to do. Obviously behind closed doors I was falling apart, but at least I didn't have to do homework.  I left school with three GCSEs out of a possible nine if I remember correctly, and it honestly didn't matter to me.

I guess what I'm getting at is that there are certain aspects of our illness that we should embrace. There is a certain freedom to be had, and when on the road to getting better we shouldn't forget that there were at least a few perks to feeling like shit. For me it's being able to cut through the huge amounts of unnecessary bullshit.

Being both lonely and depressed is like being rained on and then shat on by a Pidgeon at the same time. That's how I feel right now, I'm isolated, I can't seem to be able to make the same emotional connections that used to come easily to me. I know a lot of people and I guess you could say I have a large amount of friends, but I don't see it that way. People are just superficially attracted to my moodiness and general disregard of social norms. If they knew how fucked up I really am they'd probably keep a safe distance, and I wouldn't blame them if they did.

What I think I need right now is to be loved by someone, but it's been so long that I've forgotten how to go about obtaining someones love. When I started college I met a girl who unknown to me, was madly in love with me. It all came out around Christmas time when she decided to ask me out. I said no, but ended up leading her on, hugging her and kissing her and so on. I wanted the thrill, but not the mess that comes with it, but sadly that's rarely possible. When I eventually told her that it wasn't going to work she became angry, and rightly so I guess. I'd done a horrible thing, I'd lead her on for months and she must have felt awful. The truth, is that I didn't like her, I mean she was nice, but I just felt nothing for her. I was lost and stupid that I thought I might eventually fall for her, but that's not how it works. It was a bad experience and one I had no desire to repeat, sadly it did happen again and this time the roles had been reversed.

On the surface this new girl I had found was lovely, she cared about me, she even was the one who got me to see a doctor. The downside was that she had a boyfriend. She told me she loved me, she fell asleep in my arms and the whole time she was just lying to me. She was essentially doing what I had done but on a larger nastier scale. Needless to say things ended very badly and I did the best I could to cut her out of my life. She'd gotten to me when I was vulnerable and played me so that she could get some love and affection. I was used, the whole situation took me back to sqaure one, depressed, lonely and filled with a deeper cynicism than ever before. She was the catalyst of what became a downward spiral, horrible things started to happen in my life and I obviously didn't have her to turn to anymore. I lost faith in others, and even now I haven't fully regained it.

I guess I need someone who can wake up the part of me that believed in the goodness of others. There has to be someone one out there surely? Or maybe not, either way I think it's about time I started looking again. 

I've never done anything like this before, I haven't even visited sites such as this one, however I can't sleep so I thought I'd have a look around, I found this site and I decided I'd give this shit a go. So I guess I'd better inform the five people who will see this a little about myself. I'm a nineteen year old college student and proffessional miserable bastard, oh, and I'm a man. I've been depressed for quite some time and I am currently trying to deal with it as best I can. Going to the doctor about it was hard, mainly because he's an arsewipe, but also because if I didn't admit that there was a problem, I would  just go on drifting around in a melancholic haze telling myself I was just tired.

Now that I've faced up to it I'm in need of contact with others in my situation. I don't have any depressed friends so  conversing with them about it isn't particularly helpful. Talking with friends is often great, but they aren't always able to fully understand what I'm getting at. I also don't like droning on at them in the manner of an old man.

This first post is a little light on details, I just want to get the feel of it first and see if anyone responds to it. If such a thing happens then you can expect a lot more from me I'm sure.