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Needing support, I am new to this and thought I would give it a go. This is a very long blog so people understand why I am the way I am.

Hey,

I am new to this and have been looking online for support because I have no other options for help and things to help manage my major depression, dysthymia and apparently boarderline personality disorder.

I am a 20 year old female and have had a very difficult childhood. All started when I was in grade three my mother went to jail for numerous things. My nana took custody of my brother and I as my dad was unsuitable for living arrangements and worked as a chef so the hours were mostly nights etc.

My childhood was difficult but when I hit grade 9 I got depression due to my mother in and out of jail and my father being an alcoholic and saying he wants a DNA test because he believes I am not his child. He would only say that when he was drunk or stoned, I got into some bad things, I started playing up in school probably for a bit of attention as I felt very alone and unwanted having my father abuse me when he got drunk, not physically but verbally. Although physically would have been worse but verbally is enough to destroy your self esteem and thinking.

I started stealing my dad's home made alcohol and would drink it straight before school, I would also get my best friend over and we would steal some of his weed and we would smoke it. Next thing it turned into more drugs such a pills and smoking up every night or every second night. I used to get drunk a lot and get totally wasted so I didn't have to think about anything.

 

i was at work one night at the fish and chip shop and receive a text from my father saying "your mother is a s**t, I want a DNA. At that point my mother was out of jail and living with my brother. She went to my fathers house whilst I was at work as he was sending her texts as well calling her all sorts of things. It ended up in a fight she got chocked and thrown to the ground and had a brick to her head so she grabs his bottle and smashed him on the head.

 

Meanwhile I started walking to my best friends house and mum came and picked me up. Dad got stitches and then because mum was on parole she went on the run for a few months doing fraud and all kinds of things, sending me expensive things.

 

i hit grade 10 and mum was due to get out of jail, my brother came to live with my dad and I. One night I was talking to my brother and said I want to live with mum when she gets out because everyday I would get home not talk to my father and stay in my room until the next school day.

 

that very next day when I said I wanted to live with mum, it was 6 o'clock my father comes in and says "pack your stuff and get out you have 10 minutes" I went outside and got my clean school clothes and he had locked me out. I instantly saw red, started kicking the door, went around the frog and he started throwing all my clothes out of the veranda windows whilst I was crying, swearing and calling him all sorts of things.

 

I stayed at friends houses for a few weeks until my mother got out. I ended up moving in with her got my second job working in a chemist for a traineeship. I started doing more drugs like pills, speed, acid, MDMA every weekend and even on school nights. Mother went back to jail and I couldn't afford paying $406 a weeks rent while working two jobs and going to school, walking an hour home each night after work.

My cousin moved in to help me and he was also into the drugs so I started smoking up severely times a day and doing more drugs. Soon enough every time I smoked weed I would get paranoid thinking I would die, someone is coming in to kill me because god knows who my mother knew that was after her and knew where she lived, I felt scared being only 15/16 living in this house where people on heroin knew where I lived. I forgot to meantion before my mother went to jail she was seeing a heroin addict and I had enough of picking up after him and nearly burning the house down going on the nod on the couch with a cigarette in his hand. After my first few episodes of getting paranoid after smoking weed I stopped all drugs. But I do smoke cigarettes.

 

My guidance counsellor and youth worker helped me pack up and move me to my first shelter. I remember the day clearly I was sitting down watching shallow Hal with the other residents and I st rated to feel very weird and paranoid, turns out I was having my first psychotic episode. Soon enough before I knew it I was being treated by the children's mater mental health for stress induced psychosis or drug induced they were unsure as it had been at least 3-4 month without touching a single drug.  I was put on risperidone which knocked me around completely I had to takes month off work and school.

 

i moved to my second shelter for longer term stay as the other crisis shelter was short term up to three months, and this one was run by the same organisation but less strict, this shelter called bartholomews house had caretakers that live here just to keep the house running etc.

 

time had past and I was doing well with psychosis a year later in grade 11 I got off my medication but soon fell I'll with depression.

 

I finished school just which surprised me with being suspended and Introuble all the time, I graduated went to schoolers etc. I ended up gaining 10 kilos I got up to 76kgs which is a lot for myself and I am 171cms, turns out I had polocystic ovarian syndrome which is nothing all under control. I got told I needed to loose weight so I went to weight watchers got a bit obsessed and ended up being 63 kilos which was perfect. Until I got major depression and whilst moving in and out of houses with friends and shelters. I got OCD with food and couldn't eat anything if it had been left in the fridge for more than a day even a tin of tuna if it hadn't been touched or opened I wouldn't eat it. I attempted sucicide by over doseing obviously didn't work, I woke up the next morning went to work as nothing had happened, had terrible pains in my stomach went to the doctors, got the all clear.

 

2011 came rolling around I was severely depressed and wanted to die, I hated everything, I only had contact with two of my aunties and my nana. I have never been that girl to have sex with just anyone I had only had sex 2 times with someone that I liked. One night after the valley and being drunk I fell asleep and I woke up to my house mates friend having sex with me. As I don't like confrontation I rolled over pretending to still be asleep. The morning came and acted like nothing had happened. Soon enough my house mate got genital herpes and went a bit physco I tried to help her and I was very supportive until she slept with numerous guys without telling them and unprotected, having parties every night of the week, and I had to get up early for work at the chemist to catch two buses that took an hour to get there, I'd get home to complete mess and having spent hour every night cleaning, I had enough and moved out to a different youth housing.

 

At that time I was being treated by the PA mental health nurses coming to my house accessing me and calling me everyday until my medication was working after attempting sucicide. I was on lexapro and Valium. The lexapro didn't agree with my system and I had stomach problems. They switched me to pristique 50mgs.

I had a few altercations with my new house mate she threaten to stab me with a broken bottle that she broke on the table to get me. She flipped the table as she was a bigger girl at least 20-30 kilos heavier than me. The table landed on my foot I saw red jumped over the table as I am very athletic and grabbed her throat, pushed her against the window and went off.

She went overseas to the Philippines and left her two male friends stay at the house which wasn't allowed as it was a women's youth housing, I ended up falling Inlove with a guy I had been seeing for a few months. As I said I wasn't the girl who slept with anyone because of past experiences. Months had passed and I finally slept with him the next day he told me he was inlove with his ex. Left me feeling confused and unwanted and thinking he had gotten what he wanted. On and off we were seeing each other as I didn't want to loose him.

I couldn't handle it anymore so I broke it off with him and didn't want to see him, as I was struggling with depression and I wasn't eating and because underweight for my height. I dropped to 57-58 kilos.

My Aunty and nana knew I was depressed I would fight with them and not remember so one night they came over asked me to pack some clothes, the next day they took me to the doctor, called my work saying I'm not coming in explained the situation to my boss. My doctor sent me to Emergency at the PA hospital.

I ended up getting admitted having to take off my jewellery and give all my things to my nana to take home. they had me taking 2 valiums as soon as I woke up, increased my dose to 100mg of pristique and put me on seroquel and two more valiums at night. The first week I was in there I slept the whole week barely ate, so they put me on this sugary,sour, thick, pure disgusting liquid to gain some weight etc. I stayed in there for two weeks. The day of my discharge I felt better and wanted to get better, they had planned to make me see a different psychologist for DBT therapy, I asked do I need to go to the doctor to get a referral? They said oh he isn't taking on new clients so go back to your previous CBT therapy. I saw red again, and went off at the doctors yelling saying it's not working that's why I am here you are listening to me. I walked off and my nana was there for it all. I forgot to get my meds so I told my nana to stay across the road whilst I go back and get it.

 

I got my meds and on my way back I walked straight across Ipswich road, which is a very busy road without looking. My poor nana didn't know what to do. She took me to my aunties and my Aunty came back early from work to help settle me. They called the hospital and told them and they said call the police to get me back to hospital. I didn't agree so my Aunty took me to a place where water is to calm me down. We sat there in silence for a few hours.

 

I ended up becoming well again gained some weight and have been steady on 62-64 kilos. I stayed down the coast with my old school youth worker who we are now friends after she quit her job and we stayed incontact. Still to this day I see her, have sleep overs Etc.

 

i went to the doctors after I got back and found out the hospital had diagnosed me with major depression, boarderline personality disorder and chronic dysthymia.

 

Time had passed with ups and downs and here I am writing this today struggling again and knowing that I need help and support.

 

I speak to my father now and he is sick with liver chorosis from drinking. I ended up quitting the chemist and going to Tafe to study cert 4 in community services with mental health and youth as my electives. I got a job whilst studying at the spinal injuries association which I love, doing personal support work so dressing, showering, toileting, cooking etc.

 

I got my licence and brought a brand new car, this year in May the first shelter I went to who I kept in contact with asked me to be the caretaker of the long term shelter I went to after the crisis shelter. Which was my dream and I love it, I care for 3 teens age ranging from 15-18. So it seems I have my stuff together, I am mature for my age so I have been told.

 

i am optimistic and believe everything happens for a reason and have found many ways to deal with my depression but I am finding myself struggling again. I feel so alone I have no family and only 3 good friends, which it is hard to talk to them because although they are always there for me I feel bad because I always need some kind of help or support. It wouldn't be easy on the. To be around someone like me or anyone with severe moose swings, being depressed and sucicidal.

 

I just don't know what to do, if I go back to m doctor it's her duty of care to send me back to the hospital but I have to work I don't get sick leave as it is casual and they don't pay sick or annual leave. All the hospital can do is drug me up and they said last year if I come back they will do the ECT which they were going to do when I was there but my nana and old school youth worker disagreed with and wanted to try the medication first.

 

so I am scared I feel as if I have nobody and none of my friends have had a mental health issue or even family issues so although they are there for me they don't understand or even begin to comprehend how I feel when I talk about how I feel. I know it wouldn't be easy for them. So here I am trying something new as I'm so over taking medications, doing therapy.

 

I exercise daily and do PT which does help my mood to a certain degree but at the same time, nothing works. It's really all up to me but I don't know where to start so I have been investigating online support and came across this hoping it will help, hoping I will meet some people with the same experiences who understand and who can be empathetic. I love helping others to hence why I studied community services and I am looking forward to doing my diploma and then go to uni next year.

 

I just need support and everyone does time to time. I'm just stuck in a rut and don't know what to do to help myself. I have everything people wish for and yet I can't appreciate it for myself. There are so many other people out there with much worse situations and yet here I am complaining about how depressed and alone I am. I don't choose to be depressed it just happens.

 

im sick of going to bed wondering how I will feel in the morning or if I will get out of bed. I spent the last week sick with vomiting and then the last few days feeling not sick but depressed and sorry for myself.

 

Thanks for reading my very first blog I look forward to hearing from you all and so sorry that it is such a long story but I thought my first blog should be of what I have experienced so people get a bigger picture as to why my brain is the way it is.

 

depression sucks and affects so many people and yet there are so many people that simply do not understand. One thing I hate the most is when people say oh snap out of it. Like seriously I do not choose the way I feel I cannot help it on bit!

 

i have done a lot of writing for now but I will be sure to keep doing my blogs and see how I go and read other inspirational blogs and try to be some kind of support to other suffering from mental health :)

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