I've been emailing the HR Coordinator keeping her up to date with whats going on with me. She is really nice and keeps telling me I don't need to worry about work. Well she just rang about 5 mins ago to see how I am and wanted to see if she could arrange for me to go for a meeting with someone to do with occupational health so we can see why my anxiety is worst at work and take the right steps from there.

I know its going to take along time for me to get better from my depression but I want to, I want to feel happy again, it has been so long and such a bumpy road since I first got diagnosed with depression, all I want is to recover but I know I have to face the truths before I will be able to. Its just feels so diffecult

I moved away from my home town just over 2 years ago for my job. The retail company I work for moved to a larger warehouse which is 40 miles away from where it was orginally based, I was given a 'deal' to move with the company. Originally I travelled to work by car but I already work a 10 hour nightshift so it was really exausting having to travel over 2 hours a day as well, so I moved, which I really do regret now.

I moved in with my boyfriend and to be honest it didn't take long for things to start getting bad between the 2 of us.

He became quite violent. At first he was not so bad but things did get alot worse. The thing is, now looking back at it, I don't remember the first time he hurt me it just all blurs together into one big mess. I have been bitten, strangled, punched in the legs, arms and face. He would grab me by the back of my neck and force me to the floor. When things where at the worst he locked me in our bedroom with him and kept threatening to set me on fire, he would aim a deodrant can at me and set the spray on fire, I would be curlled up at the top end of my bed or in the corner of my room in histerics. He hated when I cried or when I kept silent, it just made him worse. I do remember the first time I went for him though, He had my cat in his hand threatening to shave her and I lost it. I know he was just trying to get a reaction out of me because I was sat on the sofa silent when he was in a nasty mood so he picked her up  and started with the threats. I just lost it, I dived at him, took the cat from him put her on the floor (she ran off up stairs) and started hitting and screaming at him, I did come off worse than he did but he didn't threaten to hurt any of cats after then.

After a year of us living together I had a friend from work move in with us. I couldn't afford to pay everything by my self when my partner wasn't working at all. This turned out to be a big mistake as well......

So, I have been off work sick for the past 6 weeks with depression and anxiety. I had been doing really well during this time though. I started going outside again, doing my house work, cooking and even going to see some of my friends when I was staying at my dads house.

I went back to work last night, felt excited about going in but still really nervous. I made it 4 hours before I had to come home. I just couldn't cope with being there. I started out paniced but I became more and more depressed the longer I was there. I stud at my desk for 1 hour tears running down my face telling myself to stop being stupid and pull myself together, but I couldn't do it. I just fell apart, it was like I had everything going through my head at once and my brain was so overwelmed by the sadness I was feeling, I went to see my supervisor and we had a chat, I could not stop crying, I kept apologising but she told me not to apologise, Just to go home and see my doctor again, get another sick note and come back to work when I am fully ready to, she said it's more important to get my mental health sorted than worrying about work.

I just had no idea I would be like that, but now, after feeling alot better the last few weeks I feel like I have taken 10 steps backwards, I just can't believe how crap I feel right now.

I finished school at age of 16 and attempted to go to college, but after a couple of months i dropped out. I had just turned 17 when i did & i started working in a warehouse, i also moved away from my dads and moved in with a friend. I started drinking really heavily, i would drink beer every night after work and get absolutely hammered at the weekend. After a few months of moving in with my friend i had a breakdown at work, I was  then diagnosed with depression i didn't get put on medication then but i was refered to an adult mental health clinic & i started to see a counsellor on a regular basis. Not to long after being diagnosed i moved back to my dads, and after 8 months of working i walked out after being told by a supervisor i was unreliable and that was the reason i was took off my job and put on something else.

I went back to college not to long after leaving work, and passed my first year with a merit in e-media, i still drank alot, getting hammered at weekends & smoking alot of weed. The thing is i was happy then, i had no cares in the world, nothing got to me, i was never down, & i was with my mates all the time.

Then when i started in my second year at college i stopped drinking all the time and calmed down on the weed because i wanted to fully focus on college as i was studying law A level aswell as e-media. I only really saw my friends at weekends & i soon started to become really depressed again but it was alot worse than from when i was 17, i was 19 at this point and felt so alone and helpless, i would find it really hard to get to sleep, when i got up in the morning i would only have had a few hours sleep, i cried all the time apparently for no reason at all, i would just get really sad, i started to self harm.

Then in november 2009 my stepdad died from a stomach ulcer that popped & he went into a coma. I hit rock bottom then, i stopped attending college, i never left my house when my dad wasn't at home, i would just stay in bed. If my dad was home i would leave like normal in the morning for college and go to a friends house and stay there all day.

On november 11th 2009 i started going out with my partner & thats what changed my life, i was extremely depressed and i new i was and that it wouldn't just go away on its own. I went back to my doctors and i was put citalopram. I was diagnosed with anxiety as well, i was refered to see a psychiatrist. The hardest part for me was actually going seeking the help i needed, but i'm very glad i did. It wasn't easy, everything didnt get better straight away, and still today isn't better but life is easier.

Ok so this is my first entry into my blog, i thought i would just give it a go, let people know my past, my present & what happens to me in the future. But mainly just to tell my story, to anybody who takes the time to read this blog.

My Past

All the way through my life i lived with my mum, stepdad & my older sister. It wasn't a happy household to say the least. My stepdad was a drunk and very abusive towards my mum and my sister, and the truth is, i had it easy. He treated my like his daughter, i called him dad & i was his little girls, he took me everywhere with him, to the pub, fishing, to see his parents & it was the happiest time of my life. He used to hit me sometimes when i was bad but not very often, my mum and my sister on the other hand had it daily, the beatings, the brusies. It was daily life for 12 yrs of my childhood.

Then it all changed, i was 13 yrs old, my mum & stepdad split up. It was then i started to rebel, hang out on the streets, get drunk & i was nearly permantly always grounded.

My mum add my actual dad got back together soon after my mum & stepdads break, we moved back into my dads house & it was soon after we realised my mum was an alcoholic.

I never thought anything of it before but it was my dad who let me and my sister know what my mum was. I never new anything different though, my mum always, for as long as i can remember, drink 2 to 3 bottles of wine a night, she always did it, she would never drink before 5 pm & she always got plastered at the weekends, but that was life for me and my sister.

Well that was when the battle started to get my mum sober, for 2 yrs i looked after her, my dad and my sister lost patiance with her so i was the one who looked after her when she was really bad. You see the thing is, it was coming off the alcohol that caused the problems of my mum being really ill, every month we went through the same thing, she would stop drinking, then it would come to her monthly cycle and she would get depressed then she would start drinking again, she would be bed ridden and in hospital, not being able to eat or drink, goin through withdraw, having halusinations, not being able to control her blader and bowls & being sick all the time, and while she was at home i would look after her, clean her up, try to get her to eat and when it was to much for me to handle she would go into hospital, my dad and my sister at this time would just leave the house and let me look after my mum, & i did my best.

But in 2006 my mum passed away, 2nd april. I remember it all to clearly, she was at home in bed, me and my friend(mel) where looking after my mum while my dad was at the pub n my sister was on a pub crawl with my cousin. I got really angry with my mum, the first and only time i ever did, i was 15 and was so fed up of trying to get her better. She was put on medication to stop her craving the alcohol, i went to give her the tablets at 8pm, she was fine, sat on the phone to my auntie. Then at 10pm i heard a loud bang coming from my mums room, i went to see and she was lying on the floor complaining of having really bad stomach pains, i no i should have rang an ambulance but she always complained of stomach pains, instead i said "what do you want me to do about it, you've done it to yourself" and i put her back into bed. I went to check on her at midnight & she was curled up in bed asleep. Next thing i no, i wake up to paramedics coming into the house, my dad in histerics saying to me he cant wake her up, it was the longest few minutes of my life and all i could see was my mums feet near her bedroom door and the paramedics paddle machine on the end of the bed.

They came out of the room and shut the door behind them, no mum, just silence and a strange quite filled the house. My friends Parents came and picked us both up, my dad told me i could go because he didnt want to put me through anymore of having to deal with what was going on.

Well after my mum died i became really uncontrolable, i wouldnt stay in school, got drunk all the time, had the police coming to the house all the time. & then at my sisters 18th, 3 months after my mum died, i was still 15, i had a drink spiked and was raped in my own bathroom by one of my sisters friends older brothers, he was 32. I have not told anyone about this but my sister Knows because her friend caught the guy at it, saw me out cold in my bath.

I'm 21 now, and live 40 miles from my hometown, i work a nightshift and dont go out, i dont have many friends as i dont trust people. I have a boyfriend who lives with me, but i am very reliant on him, and he is my strength, without him i dont think i would be where i am now.