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a time of lonliness

So I guess what I really want to know is, is this normal? Does everyone else struggle like this every single day? On the outside I appear to be a normal person. I go to work, I have a few friends who I socialise with from time to time, I've started going to the gym, I smile a lot and get along with everyone I come across. In fact, at work, I'm known for being such a happy, kind and pleasant person. I have dreams of being successful and having a family but I never finish anything which is why they have remained dreams. I feel as though time is going by and I'm barely holding on. I have no concept of time. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to die, I want a long and fulfilling life but I feel as though I'm slowly losing touch with reality and slowly losing my mind. Please, can anyone relate to this?

a time of lonliness

So I guess what I really want to know is, is this normal? Does everyone else struggle like this every single day? On the outside I appear to be a normal person. I go to work, I have a few friends who I socialise with from time to time, I've started going to the gym, I smile a lot and get along with everyone I come across. In fact, at work, I'm known for being such a happy, kind and pleasant person. I have dreams of being successful and having a family but I never finish anything which is why they have remained dreams. I feel as though time is going by and I'm barely holding on. I have no concept of time. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to die, I want a long and fulfilling life but I feel as though I'm slowly losing touch with reality and slowly losing my mind. Please, can anyone relate to this?

it doesnt matter if they are there, I'm still not a part of it.

So my last entry was a brief overview of my life so far and the series of events which have led up to this moment where I am trying to figure out whether I am depressed or whether the way I am and the way I feel is just apart of me.

What is depression? What I understand about this disorder is that it limits who you are as a person, turns you in to an empty shell and makes everything, even the little things, seem like some uphill struggle which never plateaus. Even when things are no longer difficult and those reasons you believe are the cause of this black cloud are no longer there, that feeling remains and that's when you feel scared and at a loss. I have spent a huge chunk of my life moving around for various legitimate reasons and I have often blamed this as one of the reasons why I never feel settled anywhere, why I struggle to make friends or maintain a friendship, why I feel unattached to my surroundings. And now I find myself in the most secure position for a very long time, I have ticked all of the boxes which I believed were the reason for my constant low mood and I've even began to develop a bit of a social life but yet I still have this 'feeling'. This feeling is like a constant state of nostalgia, it's like a feeling you get when you have forgotten something, it's a feeling like when you're a child and the summer holidays have come to an end and school starts tomorrow, it's a feeling of having just spent the past 24 hours trekking through a desert, it's a feeling like someone has just told you you are the ugliest person without a hope in the world...and that person is you.

Why does it continue? Will it ever end? All I ever want to do is sleep and hide away from the world.

is there anybody out there?

For as long as I can remember I've always been upset about something, always escaping and looking for that greener grass but it has only been recently that I have explored the option that I could be depressed.

I'm afraid that I did have a poor childhood and as psychologists and doctors like to point out, these moments when you're a child shape who you become and have an impact on how you handle emotions and situations as an adult.

I'm lucky in the sense that I never suffered abuse but one thing I did suffer was neglect. I had a mother who had unfortunately had a tricky childhood herself and as a result, she had 3 children she clearly wasn't ready for. We often found ourselves home alone, me being the middle child and oldest girl I took it up on myself to look after my brother and sister.

The one thing I want to figure out is whether I was born with a disorder or whether my childhood brought it on. I have an early memory of being sat in a doctor's office with my mum and my mum says to the doctor "I don't know why but she's (referring to me) always doing this.." and then she demonstrates by wringing her hands together and I look down at my own hands and I'm doing exactly the same. Was this because I had developed an anxiety through the attatchment issues between my mum and me or is it simply the way I am?

Fast track through my life and I have constantly seeked pleasure and change and love and a feeling of acceptance from others. I have desperately wanted to feel like I belong but I also feel as though I'm too different to belong. Normal life bores me, I can't get excited about the latest deal in a supermarket or someone else's child's first steps. Nor can I find happiness and satisfaction in daily routines and 'normal life'. I find myself talking to myself a lot in my mind, constantly analysing everything that is going on around me whether it be conversations I had that day, the way I handled a situation, constantly worried about how people saw me that day. Another talk I usually have with myself is a motivational talk because every day tasks are just so hard to get up and do. I literally have to push myself to get up off the sofa to do the dishes or to do some coursework. It's not that I'm lazy, I just feel empty or sad a lot of the time. I can lose hours on social media sites, mainly looking at the pages of those who I wish I could be like and then reflecting on my own life and forever hating who I am and the way I look. Forever hating that I can't just get up early in the morning and just get on with it.

I have good days and I have bad days. My good days are as intense as my bad days, sometimes I feel so happy I might just burst and nothing can bring me down. I have pockets of energy and suddenly become girlfriend of the year and domestic goddess.

I've already wrote more than I thought I would and I do hope that by starting this blog I can help others and finally help myself. Its a fantastic way to reflect and almost feel a sense of accomplishment because I actually did something today not just got up for work, came home and slept and had to force myself awake after 3 hours because once again, I have slept away most of the afternoon.

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