Will I heal? Will I be the same person I used to be a few years ago? Will I ever get out of Mr D´s control?

These are questions I keep asking myself, perhaps, in vain. Because there is no answer. It has been over two years since I began medication, the first time. There is no doubt that I am better. Better than I was at that point of time. And hoping that I will be perfectly fine. But when? One year, a couple of years, or will it continue through my life? The residual symptoms are staying. They are adament. I want to get rid of them. But how?  On one hand, I am battling mentally about healing. On the other hand, I am at loss, how do I deal with my closest ones? Being away from relatives makes it easy...I do not have to pretend to be in a better mood the whole time. But how do I help my partner to deal with me, my low moods, my low energy level, my inability to run on a routine or my inabilty to be intimate with him as often as I used to be....

I came across this book, Living with Depression (Deborah Serani). It is written by a clinical psychologist who went through depression and is still dealing with the residual symptoms. After a long time I felt inspired. Inspired to do the little things that mey help me cope with life better. I am trying to sleep and wake up around the same time. As surprised I am this helps me...but there are days I can not follow this. And I am slumped. Then, I am medication religiously. Using Lavender oil to relax in the evenings (aroma therapy) sometime in the day, as well. The back of my head knots up. I get anxious with the slightest hint of trouble. The smell of Lavender somehow eases my mood. I have stopped reading and watching dark literature and films. I have a cup of warm licorice and St. Johns Wort hearbal tea. I am trying.

... And whenever I feel lost in my own thoughts about the cracks in my relationship with my partner, I talk. I tell him my feelings. I cry at times when I can not handle it..He listens to me, tries to understand the thoughts and feelings in me. He accepts, it is hard for him to comprehend what is going on in my mind. But he tries to come up with ways we can beat it. Maintaining a routine, eating meals on time, queing to my mental and physical needs were his ideas. Today I am in a better mood hence, seeing the positives. Tomorrow I may not be feeling the same, I know that for a fact. But I hope I have more days like todayrather than tomorrow.

I am feeling tired...drained. I slept in the morning for two hours and almost two hours in the evening, before dinner. I woke up with a horrible headache. I can feel the throb even, now after taking a painkiller and massaging my temple with tiger balm. For last two days, I was all up and about. I was running on regular, normal schedule. My mum was visiting us. But since this morning I am unable to hold on to that regularity. I do not know how to make her understand it. Perhaps she understands it. I am being anxious without any reason. But I am feeling bad that I can't run on a regular pace. It has been quite a few days since my last post. I thought perhaps if I wrote down my worries I would feel better. I do not know for sure, writing helps me, I guess. I feel lighter after making an entry. Earlier I used to maintain a journal, regularly but not for last couple of years. I guess this is the only way I can get my innernost thoughts out. Sometimes I end up writing something completely different from what I intend to. I guess this brings out the hidden things lurking behind my mind. These things are not on my list of conscious, anxious and stress increasing stuff. But when I begin typing, the tiny feelings which, I had at the back of my mind, surface. I hope I sleep better tonight so that, I have a relatively, better day tomorrow.  But when this 'bad days cycle' starts,  it is impossible to settle back in the routine. A routine, I feel, keeps it simple and easy to a certain extent. But, a relationship with Mr. D does disrupt me from settling down to regularity. For example, waking up at the same time every day, brushing teeth, bathing, eating meals at right times, excercising etc. There are days when I forget to brush or bathe. Does that mean I am becoming reluctant to fight against the odds? There are so many questions but so few answers.....sigh! When I ask my doc if I ever, would come out of it, he just changes the line of conversatio to some advice or suggestion, of excercising and eating healthy or something on those lines. Anyway, like I wrote in my first post, I should try to cope with life with Mr. D, in my sight. It is so hard!

I do not know whether it is the increased dosage of medication or my never ending naps...I have been feeling a little better for last two days. I am sleeping more. It is alright. As long as the naps fill me up with new resolutions to do things and execute them. It is like an achivement!

In last eight days I went out only twice, for my pup to play with other pups. I cooked for one week. I have almost half of it left. My husband will be back in a couple of days. He was away for last week. I now realise that because of his prodding I go out more often when he is around.  And try to get into a routine. Otherwise, the following happens. The cloths pile up, the floor gets dusty. The tables and chairs get loaded with books, folders and cloths and papers. I do not understand how does it get so messy. I like a tidy place. An uncluttered room makes me feel better. I keep asking myself, was it this bad a few months ago? Is it because of the pup? Is it because of the weather? Or is it my inertia? It would take me only a couple of hours to do up the apartment. But the past three-four months cleaning up a table is taking me an hour. And I have to take rest before I even think on embarking on another cleaning spree. Earlier cleaning would clear my mind. I would love to keep everything in order. But now, a fascination for food is overtaking my instinct for cleaning. I feel good when I think about food, watch cooking videos, and make something or the other, at the middle of the night after being in bed for almost an hour. Thus the kitchen counter overflows with unwashed dishes. And then I am too tired to keep them in the dishwasher. The positive outcome is ofcourse, eating tasty food which I thought only the restaurants could cook up. But I am unsure if it is any good for my waistline. Afterwards, I read all these websites on healthy living, eating habits and regular excercise tips. Hmmmmmm...but withing an hour, I am back to thinking of food and salivating.  I hope this is one of the phases in my life. It will be good if it does not become an obsession.

It has been several days since my last post. I should be regular, I know. But I could not.

The last few days have been a mixed bag of emotions. The mornings have been especially, hard. The evenings were a little better. And this has been happening for last couple of months or so. I got in touch with the doctor. The only thing he could think of was increasing my medication dosage. At times I feel weary of popping in so many tablets. But then these little pills kind of keep me on my track. I was being irregular a couple of months back. Probably that was the trigger point. There are no other likey, trigger that I can think of.

Is there nothing else that can help me out of this...I always wonder. I have tried yoga, bit of meditation, exercise, food control but nothing worked. It is scary to realise that those little pills helped when nothing else could. Do I have to continue through out my life...I hope not. My pshychiatrist had told me that depression is like cold and cough in their profession. Then howcome it is so overwhelming/numbing to be depressed. Yesterday I missed or rather did not go for a language exam. Today we are to go for a concert. Yesterday I was completely convinced that I won't be able to handle 30,000 people, and standing and cheering to the music for hours. I feel tires after one hour of light tasks. And I need to sleep. But today I am thinking of going for it. My husband and I have been looking forward to this concert for last six months. I hope I can make it to the concert.

It's evening and the sunny side of the day is over. I had a breakdown. I had not realized how well I folded every negativity inside me. I tried my best to be normal. To run on a routine. I thought perhaps I am out of depression. If I got myself to do everything that I think a normal life carries, probably, I will cope. I hoped, perhaps I would even forget that I was depressed once. I kept the thoughts to myself. I did not tell or write that I have wanted to be away, away from everything, possibly myself. The daily chores and carrying out with life has tired me out. I just want to be somewhere alone where I do not have to respond to anyone, take care of anyone and not hurt anyone. My lack of response has come back I realized. When the other person is expecting it from me, I am mentally unavailable. It is not because I do not care but I just do not have the energy and the mental and emotional capacity to to do what is right and normal. To be honest I had not realized that I had this storm cooking up  inside me. I still doubt, is it normal to feel like this, probably everyone goes through these phases. I am still hoping that I have not slipped back into the darkness this time. These conflicting ideas are driving me crazy. I am unsure if I am depressed or not. Someone once said I put everything on depression. Since then I have tried not to make depression a crutch. I have never wanted a crutch. It is liberating to be able bodied. I guess, the conflict arises from that. One part says these are symptoms of depression, just learn to cope, the other side says, these are normal things, all adults go through them. I am confused. I am feel lost. I do not want to have a relapse.